While doing some research into the Britney Spears baby-on-lap incident this morning, I was hit by a sudden realisation. I haven’t taken enough time in my hectic daily life to sit back, relax, and laugh at Kevin Federline. Sure, I hissed and booed as he dumped his heavily pregnant wife for Britney. And I looked on with morbid fascination as the backup dancer married the star, got her pregnant in short order, and then featured in weekly stories about how they were about to break up because he wasn’t good to her.
But there’s so much less to the guy they call K-Fed than that. This morning, I got to meet one of the dumbest, vainest people on the planet.
The first place to start in any laugh-at-Federline operation is definitely his official website, the home base for his attempts to become a whiteboy rapper in the best Vanilla Ice tradition. He’s a lot more than Mr Britney Spears, as the intro makes clear:
I don’t think we’ve ever been formally introduced. My name is Kevin Federline. I’m 6 feet tall, have brown hair and brown eyes. I enjoy horseback riding, long walks on the beach and the wind whipping through my hair. Ha ha ha. On a more serious note, there’s going to be a lot more information and updates on here in the coming weeks and I think this will provide you with the opportunity to get to know who I really am.
There’s a wealth of Federlinian brilliance to be found on this site. Such as an interview with allhiphop.com’s Kathy Iandoli. Read this and tell me she isn’t taking the piss:
AllHipHop.com: If you had to pick a crew to join- could be from any point in Hip-Hop history- which crew would it be?
Kevin Federline: Back in the day, I would’ve probably rolled with Digital Underground. Nowadays, I don’t know, there are so many people on fire right now so I don’t even know. It would be a privilege to go over to Interscope with their crews like G-Unit and Dre. Then again, it would be real cool to go over to the East Coast and go with Jay’s crew, who’s really hot right now. Both crews are hot. Then you’ve got the South; you’ve got Jermaine. God, it’s just so diverse, I wouldn’t know which way to go. So I’ll have to do it by myself to make me feel better.
AllHipHop.com: Would you see yourself collaborating with any of them?
Kevin Federline: Oh yeah, definitely. I’d love to do a joint with the Game or even Missy or Ludacris – people from out there.
Then there’s the question I know I’ve wanted to ask him.
AllHipHop.com: Since you have both, which weighs more in music: looks or skills?
Kevin Federline: I think the skills are really gonna work out on this. And the fact that everything I’m doing or saying on my album is real. There’s no fake agenda about it. It’s really me. Most of my blood, sweat, and tears were put into this album.
But perhaps the best part of the site is that it links you to Kev’s MySpace site, ‘KevinFederlineForReal’. If you’re over the age of 20, you may not have heard of MySpace. It’s a social networking site where kids hang out, flirt and send each other messages. Kev’s MySpace page is probably the worst-designed webpage I’ve ever seen – I’m sure he made it himself. It’s so ugly that it’s illegible. Really, I can’t believe that someone whose wife has such a sophisticated publicity machine would be allowed to put forward such an incredibly naive face to the world. You can hear his single ‘PopoZão’ on the site. It’s spectacularly bad.
But it gets worse. Poor vain, dumb Kevin’s allowed people to leave comments, all of which are incredibly harsh. Jordan says “K-Fed Actully makes David Hasselhoff look good”, while The Fearsome Pirate Blackheart Sue says ”
Oh my God, it’s like you two come from a special retard planet. Hello Britney, it’s a baby not a dog. That kid is so freakin’ screwed.”
The harshest thing, though, is simply a link someone’s posted to one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen. It’s K-Fed funking along to his single in the studio. Check the screeching at the start, and the whooping and white-boy-rapper comments throughout. No wonder they call him Wiggerline.
So what does PopoZão mean? K-Fed himself explains to Iandoli:
Actually it was the producer I was working with at the time. He is engaged to a girl that lives over there in Sao Paolo; so he spends a lot of time out there. When he comes out, he’s always playing me these like new Brazilian dance tracks, and I kinda like over time just started picking up the language from their mannerisms when him and his wife are talking and stuff. I asked him one day when I heard the beat for “PopoZâo,” “How do you say big butt in Portuguese?” and he was like “PopoZâo.” So I’m like alright well how do you say “get your ass over here and shake it on the floor for me?” So we did this little thang in Portuguese and we ran with it.
It seems that Portugese, PopoZao means ‘big ass’. Seems about right.
Update: I couldn’t resist looking for more video… there’s a great SNL sketch on that site too.