Let’s get this election over with. It’s already gone on for about a week too long, and instead of being obliged to exhaustively rebut the myth that Labor’s losing the two-party preferred vote, Antony Green needs a holiday. The only counting the ABC’s election analyst should be doing is of the olives in his poolside martini.

As we wait for somebody, anybody, to form a government, Australia is riven by uncertainty. Canberra is on tenterhooks, stock markets are jittery, and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be making fun of anymore.

After Yes We Canberra! concluded on its pre-election episode on Wednesday with a song which suggested that every single candidate in this election was f**ked, some have accused The Chaser of negativity. While this is, of course, outrageous, I thought I’d attempt to redress the balance by provide a few good reasons to vote for each of our major parties.

Why, pray tell, is there a bipartisan consensus against same-sex marriage? A Galaxy poll last year found that 60% were in favour of it – more than enough to legalise something socially progressive, since when it finally happens, and gay marriages are proven to have absolutely no impact on anyone else’s except making functions venues slightly harder to book, even more people will come on board.