Shane’s other Advanced Hair Warneing

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Who’d have thought it? Apparently Advanced Hair isn’t all that a phalanx of former cricketers say it is. A British advertising standards tribunal has said Shane Warne should stop claiming that the “AHS-FP” product cures baldness. Yeah, he should, and so should Advanced Hair Studio, if its conclusions are correct. And that wouldn’t come as a huge surprise. Along with easy-dieting solutions, hair loss treatments are the snake oil of the 21st century, and anyone preying on the vanity of insecure men should be dealt with harshly. Although really, I think anyone who takes lifestyle advice from S.K. Warne has received more than enough “Warneings”.


As much as I resent shonky hair-loss treatments, though, you’d have to say that the puns Shane regularly serves up are just as dodgy. Check out the transcript quoted in this morning’s article:

“I’ve been hearing it for years, but to me I’ve always taken it as ‘warning’. And that warning is – if I didn’t do something about my fine and thin hair they could well be chanting ‘Baldy!’ … Heed the Warne-ing today!”

Shocking. Really, come on – People chanting “Baldy” instead of “Warney” would worry him? If they did, it’d be the mildest sledge ever heard on a cricket field. He should be thankful the chant doesn’t involve sex with Warne’s immediate family members.
The product that was described as not curing baldness by the UK tribunal is described on Advanced Hair’s Australian website as follows:

Stop hair loss at its root. The world’s first home hair treatment range with naturally occuring herb Serenoa and a unique combination of hand-held laser and treatments, which further thickens, strengthens and repairs your hair and scalp.

I looked at the photo of Warne receiving the laser treatment, and I had to say that the tribunal’s adverse finding didn’t exactly surprise me. I’m no doctor, but as a general rule, any medical procedure that makes you look like you’re in a scene from the original Star Trek probably isn’t going to do much for you.
Lasers seem so retro. It’s what we used to call things when we wanted them to sound futuristic way back in the ’80s. They belong to the era of K.I.T.T. and Tron &nash; the period way back when holograms seemed amazing. Surely a treatment that involves them couldn’t possibly do anything.
I’m facing the scourge of baldness myself, what with being thirty now and all. And sure, I’m vain enough not to be averse to the idea of a bit of body-adding shampoo if it’ll actually do something. And if they do actually find a decent cure, and it’s not expensive, then fine. I’ll take a tablet or something.
But Advanced Hair is taking the problem far too seriously. Really, the best solution to the problem is for men to be more relaxed about going bald. It doesn’t really looks that bad, if managed well. And hair loss seems not to be that much of an issue for the ladies. (And there is only one way to manage of course, by the way – short hair. The combover should rightfully result in prolonged loneliness.) What, is Warney really so deluded as to think that the ladies were so willing to sleep with him because of his looks?

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