Today’s the first day of the new series of the greatest television series of all time (if measured by either gratuitous nudity or gore, at least.) So, quivering with anticipation, I’ve put together a wish list of the things I’d like to see in the ten weeks ahead.
Yes, I know these things probably won’t happen – naturally, I’m more than nerdy enough to have read the books. But the producers have already taken a few creative liberties with the story – maybe they can take some more?
Note – if you haven’t watched to the end of Season 3, there are spoilers below.
1) Bran gets a wheelchair. Disability rights in the Seven Kingdoms are utterly woeful, obviously – but surely a Prince of Winterfell can do better than being carted around by an oaf whose limited spacial awareness means that his charge’s head is constantly bumping into things? There is a lamentable shortage of level access in the realm’s palaces, let alone the wastes of the frozen North. They have wheels in Westeros, and they have chairs, too. Do the math and put them together, maesters.
2) Summer comes. Weather reports are frequently unreliable in our world, and we have radars and computers and stuff. What if the Starks are wrong about winter being on its way and things warm up suddenly in Westeros as a result of the constant burning of wood, and indeed bodies? Global warning is no picnic, especially when your capital city’s built on the water – but it’s probably a sensible idea if it puts a halt to that legion of ice zombies from the Lands of Always Winter, surely?
3) Dany arrives in Westeros already. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Mother of Dragons, but she’s spent three whole seasons mucking around with slaves and revolutions over across the narrow sea. Surely it’s time for her to put those dragons and incredibly awesome eunuch troops to work and regain the throne that is kind of hers by right? Surely she won’t spend another ten whole episodes stuffing around in the desert, without intersecting with the main plot in the Seven Kingdoms?
4) Sansa’s Red(head) Wedding. Poor Sansa. I know she was a twit back when Daddy was alive, but she’s suffered enough. Somebody give her some bloody vengeance already. We’ve already established that in Westeros, there’s no such thing as a fairytale princess. As the daughter of two tough-as-nails parents, surely she’s got some backbone in there somewhere?
5) Varys gets Theon’s spare equipment. We already know it’s been sent across Westeros, so why can’t Theon’s detached manhood be given to the on person in the realm who needs it most? We’ve already seen that resurrection is possible in this world, at least in part, when Khal Drogo came back from the dead. He was kind of like an unthinking zombie – but whereas that was a tragic shadow of the former Khal Drogo, I doubt Varys would ask any more from his little slice of Greyjoy.
6) Also, Varys gets his own talk show. The Spider knows everyone’s secrets, so why not reveal them in public as Westeros’ very own Maury Povitch? As a top-rating TV host, he’d be even more powerful than he is now. In particular, all Seven Kingdoms would be sure to tune in for the “Joffrey’s paternity test” special.
7) Littlefinger chills out. Okay, I know Westeros is kind of a competitive place and he wants to run everything. But couldn’t he just calm down a bit, perhaps with the aid of milk of the poppy? He has a whole bunch of, ahem, establishments in King’s Landing – couldn’t he convert one of them into a comedy club, and maybe wander around in a kaftan, calling everyone ‘man’?
8) Robb Stark: Grey Walker. The Red Wedding was all kinds of devastating. But what if, what if, a White Walker somehow made it all the way south to the Twins and infected Robb Stark? It’d be awesome to watch a reanimated Robb chowing down on Freys, Boltons and Lannisters.
9) The dragons do something. We know they’re the ultimate weapon. We know that with just one of them, the Targaryens wreaked havoc on Westeros, uniting all seven kingdoms into one under their rule. With three of them, Dany can clearly win any battle. Having a fleet of dragons is kind of like having ballistic missile-equipped aircraft in the bronze age. They’ve gotten pretty big now. So, why can’t they go and incinerate some Lannisters or something? Or couldn’t she use them to win those interminable wars in the various slaver cities which all seem to blur into one another? Shouldn’t take her longer than half an episode, surely?
10) Stannis smiles. Just once, for love of the old gods and the new. Actually, this is probably the most unlikely scenario of all.