Would a Bloom by any other name smell as sweet?

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Imagine this. You meet a cool guy on FaceBook, which is a somewhat less undignified version of MySpace that used to be exclusively for university graduates but now accepts anyone. You poke him (it’s a FaceBook thing, not a metaphor. Well, not just a metaphor.) He pokes back. And then you’re chatting away. Sparks are flying. The flirtation goes up a notch, and you’re start to wonder whether this guy could be The One. And then he drops a bombshell. The guy you thought was an awesome catch was actually only Orlando Bloom. Imagine, just imagine, your disappointment.


You probably didn’t click on the link to “Orlando Bloom” in the last paragraph. I certainly wouldn’t have. So let me explain. Orlando is looking for Ms Right. He’s broken up with Kate Bosworth, and he wants to settle down and have good-looking-yet-totally-effete kids. And he’s worried that the ladies don’t want him for him, but they want the guy from Pirates Of The Caribbean. So he’s set up an anonymous FaceBook profile under someone else’s photo, and he’s going to find a lady that way.
In the event that the chance of being Mrs Orlando Bloom appeals, why not have a look around on the site? It’s got over two million users, so assuming gender parity, your chances are literally one in a million. Have fun.
Hopefully that will have made the Orlando fangirls immediately click onto the site to start looking for the pretty-boy of their dreams. Leaving the rest of us to shudder collectively at the idea of that cool guy you met online turning out to be, well, the guy from Pirates.
I can take his point, you know. Will from POTC is one of the most irritating characters in cinema history. His only function is to look windswept and swashbuckling on the deck of a ship. I don’t seem to recall him having any useful function in the sequel at all, and he isn’t by any stretch of the imagination the alpha pirate, that’s Captain Jack. So it came as no surprise that even Keira Knightley, as insipid as she is, has more sparks flying with the character based on Krusty Keith Richards than she does with bland-boy Bloom.
But is the real-life Orlando any less insipid? Not really. For one thing, his name’s Orlando. I reckon that’s just about game over right there. But sure, I glanced through his Wikipedia entry for more evidence, and found it in spades. The guy’s got a tattoo in Elvish on his wrist, for goodness’ sakes. I don’t care if the other members of the Fellowship got it done. It’s still tantamount to having a tattoo in Klingon.
And that isn’t the half of it when we’re talking about his involvement in Lord Of The Rings. Does any girl past the age of puberty really yearn for a guy who can convincingly pass as an elf?
What other dirt is there on Orlando? Well, none. And that’s a bit pathetic, isn’t it? Where are the scandals? Where’s the womanising? Look at how much other stars, like Rob Lowe, have done with much less in the way of looks. The guy’s got no rock and roll about him at all.
Which figures, I guess, when you read that “In 2004, he became a full member of Soka Gakkai International, a lay Buddhist association affiliated with the teachings of Nichiren”. Celebrity Buddhism is common in Hollywood (just ask Dalai Richard Gere), but interestingly, this particular group has been accused of being a cult. Then again, the criticism website is a bit loopy itself. But let’s just say it seems very, shall we say, Orlando Bloom to be a member of a Buddhist sect that’s dedicated to making the world a better place. In his case, by altruistically making lots of money for the Walt Disney Company and Jerry Bruckheimer.
I guess it just goes to show that you need to be careful when you use any kind of internet dating service. There really is no way of knowing who you’re talking to. It might be a murderer, or a pedophile, or an FBI agent, or someone whose first name is also the title of a movie featuring Tilda Swinton as a gender-bending immortal. Which says it all, really. FaceBook users, beware.

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