2014: The Christmas Cracker jokes

crackerEvery year, I sit down to Christmas lunch in the hope that along with the turkey and pudding, I’m about to enjoy a delicious comedy feast when my family pulls apart this year’s crackers and reads out the jokes contained therein.

Every year, sadly, they’re the same old jokes. And I do mean literally the same old jokes. I swear that every Christmas since I was a kid, we’ve had the following, usually multiple times around the table:

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!

(I’m going to include exclamation marks after each joke as a form of ‘boom-tish’.)

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly jumper!

What’s yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard!

(I’m not sure whether the latter technically qualifies as a joke, but I am sure it’ll be hidden in a gaudy cardboard tube at our family lunch today.)

So, in a bid to make all our Christmases come at once, I’ve come up with some brand new jokes for you to read out at Christmas lunch.

The list is full of punchlines that are little more than tenuous puns. But I didn’t create the Christmas cracker genre, and it’s beyond my power to change it. I can guarantee you, though, that at least these jokes are slightly fresher than that shark-infested custard.

What did one Obeid say to the other Obeid?
“Subpoena tough year!”

Why does the Catholic Church disapprove of the Coalition?
Because there are two female Bishops, and the Abbott has a wife!

What’s the only card game that hasn’t been banned in North Korea?
Kim Jong Uno!

Why does Schapelle Corby feel rich even though she wasn’t paid for her TV interview?
Because she still has a Mercedes!

What’s Luis Suarez‘ favourite food?
Chewna!

What’s the one time when you use a bucket before you’re ill?
When you’re doing the Ice Bucket Challenge!

What do Blake Garvey’s marriage proposals and his real estate contracts have in common?
There’s a cooling-off period!

Why couldn’t the Australian boy band tour Siberia?
Because they don’t get five seconds of summer!

According to the ICJ, what was the only scientific thing about Japan’s scientific whaling programme?
The name!

What do you get if you combine APEC with the G20?
A novelty shirtfront!

What is Tony Abbott’s favourite night of the year?
The knight he just recommended for the Order of Australia!

What’s the difference between Oscar night and the next Australian election night?
On Oscar night, everybody’s pro-Shorten!

How is the metadata retention bill like an envelope?
It’s intended to go through without anybody looking inside!

What did one bigot say to the other bigot?
I can’t tell you, because section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act remains in effect!

What’s Vladimir Putin’s favourite Justin Timberlake song?
Crimea River!

Why would a politician repeatedly suggest that women’s main concern is the household budget?
Force of Abbott!

According to the Opposition’s latest asylum-seeker policy, when is it acceptable to conduct turnbacks?
When you’re Labor!

What was the biggest security threat at Russia’s Winter Olympics?
Russia!

What’s the difference between John Howard and Clive Palmer?
One’s always out walking, and the other’s always walking out!

Which vehicle needs pyjamas to travel anywhere?
Bob Carr!

What protects against the sun and rain, but is useless against China?
An umbrella!

What do Barack Obama and Frances Abbott have in common?
They didn’t have to pay to attend the Whitehouse!

How did Craig Thomson feel after his latest court appearance?
Fine!

Which white flower is native to Australia but pretends not to be?
The Iggy Azalea!

What’s the worst thing about being James Packer’s friend during the holiday season?
When he invites you to his place for Christmas punch!

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