Australia’s Next Reality TV Offcasts

What a shame Australia’s Next Top Model is drawing to a close today. And with it, the brief period in the spotlight for the contestants, who will now fade back into the obscurity whence the came. All, that is, except Alice, who will surely win the live final tonight. Despite being painfully shy and having a signature look that involves staring vacantly into space with her mouth hanging open, she’s the only genuinely modellish-looking one in the group. And that includes Jodhi Meares.

Not that looking modellish is necessarily something to aspire to, of course. Meares bursts with health onscreen, which is why she never really became known for her catwalk work. The current ‘look’ seems to require you to look like the unfortunate byproduct of an alien impregnation. Gemma Ward has a lot to answer for. So whereas in everyday life, Alice finds her long limbs quite a chore – and the scenes of her hugging her more petite mother were hilariously awkward – she just looks great on the catwalk.
It was ironic watching both Steph and Jordan tear strips off her last week because they reckoned she hadn’t worked as hard as them, and is just naturally more model-looking. How ridiculous. Since when did the modelling industry ever give a rats about effort instead of looks? Modelling is one of those things in life that’s just unfair, like being born into the Packer family. In fact, modelling generally leads to joining the Packer family in this country, at least temporarily. And the best of luck to you, James and Erica.
No-one in the industry actually works hard, let’s be honest. Steph, Jordan and the rest of them have had their 15 minutes of fame already, and some of them will probably get more modelling work. Jordy put together quite the natty deodorant ad, and who knows, maybe she’ll get a gig advertising air freshener and toilet ducks as well?
Alice is up against Steph in the grand finale tonight, and I was amused to see this website juxtaposing a profile of her with the “youth gone wild” story about the Central Coast, where she grew up. Erina Fair or no Erina Fair (and I’ve been there, and it ain’t exactly Compton) I think it’d be fair to say that there isn’t much that’s wild about young Steph. Likeable, sure, when not whinging about Alice. And she’s been wonderfully entertaining, inquiring about whether Chile was a country or that hot stuff you put on food, and insisting that she’s not dumb. “I know about Moroccan food and that Moroccan food exists,” she protested. “I just didn’t know that it came from a country called Morocca.” I hope she wins, or at least gets cast in Zoolander II. The modelling industry would be much the poorer without her talents.
(There’s even more priceless Steph magic on the blog. I know it seems elitist to laugh at someone because they don’t know the difference between the Airport Link station and the actual airport, but shucks, I just did.)
Top Model was strangely addictive, and I’ll miss it. Thank God Tyra’s mob are back next week. But despite the heated competition, it’s clear who the real winner of Australia’s Next Top Model is. And that is a gentleman by the name of Jonathan Pease. With his boundless energy and even more boundless wardrobe, not to mention that ridiculous side-swept hairstyle, Pease was the true star of ANTM 3. It’s no surprise that it won him his own show, Confidential. I hope he still has the same haircut when he’s seventy. And I’ll be checking. Armed with oh-so-witty publicity stunts up his sleeve like giving his own clothes out to homeless people, the sky’s clearly the limit for the Peasemeister.
At least compared to the contestants, poor things. And thanks, girls, it’s been surprisingly entertaining for a straight-to-cable show. I hope I one day run into you at my local supermarket. If not on the cover of a fashion magazine, then at least behind the counter.

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