A passive-aggressive letter to Barack Obama

Dear Mr President,

Heard you're really tied up at home, so you couldn't make it down here this time around. So, just a quick note to let you know that we're totally fine with it. Really, it's okay. We know that health care is really important to you, and it's understandable that you want to see it passed by Congress and everything. We Aussies are pretty easygoing, as you'll no doubt find when you do get around to visiting. So, as we like to say, no worries!

I mean, you're not actually a member of Congress any more, so it's not like you have to vote on it or anything. But I'm sure you have to personally telephone all the House members to try and get them on board, and of course there's no way you could do that during the 20 hours or so you'd be flying here on Air Force One or anything. And Rahm Emanuel definitely couldn't handle it for you, even though, he's your Chief of Staff, the guy you specifically hired to take care of this stuff. No, it has to be you, and we can understand that.

You probably don't remember, but Hillary cancelled too, actually. That was a few months back, because of the earthquake in Haiti, and that was totally understandable – after all, it was a massive catastrophe that killed hundreds of thousands of people. Whereas you need, what; a few dozen votes from members of your own party to get a bill through Congress. It's just another piece of bad luck, I guess.

So anyhoo, we'll just get on with all the things we were going to do anyway. Which was lots of great stuff, actually – you would have enjoyed it. Actually, we've got a health care debate of our own at the moment, don't know if you've heard about it. Our system's quite a lot better than even the reforms you're trying to introduce, so coming over here might have been a great way to get a few new ideas or something. But that's fine – you've probably heard about how in our country, pretty much anyone can just get treated at a public hospital. Sorry to bring it up – it's just a little bit ironic, you know?

Actually, we're kind of glad you're not coming, now that we think about it – it would have been a huge disruption. We'd put the entire Federal Parliament on notice that they had to fly back to Canberra to just to hear you speak, at a cost of millions of dollars and they're all really glad they won't have to inconvenience themselves, actually. And it's not that great a capital city or anything, so you're probably lucky you missed it, even though it's where we make our big decisions. You know, like when we went along with you guys on that whole Iraq war thing out of sheer loyalty, even though we knew it was a stupid idea. And there's a War Memorial, where we commemorate all the people that died in that war and all the other ones we've fought alongside you, because we're such close allies. But don't worry, you'd probably think it was all a bit small-scale compared to DC.

Mmm, just took a quick break from typing to eat one of the delicious canapés that one of our world-renowned chefs has been preparing for that banquet we were going to throw you. Don't worry, it's no trouble or anything, it's just that we've got literally thousands of the things sitting here, just going off, so I'm going to do my bit and eat a couple of dozen. And I'm going to wipe my mouth on this lovely bit of red, white and blue bunting we ordered to drape around the Great Hall. Don't worry, all this stuff we bought is definitely still going to good use.

Hope the wife and kids are well, by the way – we were really looking forward to seeing them before you told us they couldn't make it that first time you rescheduled. It's probably good you cancelled, actually – we were just as keen to catch up with them as with you, to be honest. So, let's reschedule for when we can all get together, when you've got a bit more time. Like maybe after you leave office? We're not doing anything in 2017. Or even 2013, actually, because you might lose the next election, mightn't you, if you treat the American people the way you treat one of your closest allies! That was a joke, by the way.

And by the way, if you hear that we've invited Hu Jintao back again, don't think that it changes things between us or anything. It's just that he did actually find the time to drop by recently, even though he governs, what – a billion people, most of whom need health care more urgently than the vast majority of Americans. Actually, he seemed to really enjoy addressing Parliament, so you might want to ask him about that next to see him. And you know, we do like to entertain.

Actually, Prince William was here the other day, too – he really enjoyed the barbie we threw for him. And Britain is actually our mother country and all. I guess like they say, blood's thicker than water in the end, isn't it?

Seriously, all the best with health care and everything, and I guess we'll hear from you the next time you've got a war to fight, hey?

Regards,
Australia