A salute to Damir Dokic

It isn't said often enough, but Damir Dokic is a genius. In the vast pantheon of crazy fathers from Joe Jackson to Richard Williams, there is no-one to hold a candle to him for sheer lunacy. And while Jelena struggles for form, Damir's latest outburst shows he's absolutely on top of his game.

What rant it was. Featuring the traditional Serb hatred of Croatia, spiced with conspiracy theorist hatred of the Catholic church, mixed with a twist of nuclear terrorism, the master is clearly on top of his game. And the icing on the cake was the oh-so-2006 threat to kill an Australian that shows Damir's watching and learning from the Iraqi insurgents.
The threat to kill an Australian in revenge is a new low point in his crazy ranting, marking the first time it's actually descended to the point of being criminal. This shows the limitations of the sedition laws – for our amusement, the Damirs of this world must be free to issue crazy threats against whichever random group they choose.
Then there was the threat to kidnap Jelena, which might be difficult to execute. Not only is he fairly hard to miss, but you can't tell me his vodka breath can't be smelled several hundred metres away.
I suspect that, as the saying goes, this artist may not be appreciated in his own country. The outburst was in an interview with a Serbian newspaper, and his ranting may pass for serious political commentary in the land of Slobodan Milosevic.
No, Damir must be fostered in an enviroment that is suitable for his unique talents. And I'm not thinking about a place with rubber walls. I'm thinking about a place with rubber walls – in Australia. Because just as he needs this country to make him fly off the handle, we need him to entertain us.
So we must immediately bring Damir back to Australia, although probably with a pretty serious restraining order on Jelena's behalf. I reckon she wouldn't want to be in the same state as him.
Here are some suggestions of what we could offer him. Please add your own, and we will put together an offer he can't refuse.

• Our leading shock jock these days is the fairly insipid Stan Zemanek. Damir would simply blow him out of the water – he says more outrageous things in one minute than Zemanek has in his entire life. And imagine what would happen if a Croatian called him?
• Similarly, he should also be offered a television talk show immediately. I don't even think he needs guests – just Damir talking would be enough. Occasionally Jelena could appear by video link from an undisclosed location to rile him by trying to have her own life. It would rate the pants off Enough Rope, because we will never be able to get enough Damir.
• Kia should rehire him to do more ads taking the piss out of his crazy ranting image. Although having him threaten to bomb their Japanese competitors would probably be going a step too far.
• He should be made Minister for Foreign Affairs. While his diplomacy could probably use a brush-up, he can't be as bad as Alexander Downer. Not only would he give us closer links to the Serbian lunar right ("moderates", as they're known there), but I'm sure he'd put in a much better performance at ASEAN karaoke nights.
• He could be sent to travel the world as a tourism ambassador for Australia. His threats against us would be fantastic promotion – anything he hates that much must be good. Although we'd have to be careful, because tourists might not come if they thought he could actually get access to a nuclear bomb. Australia would also benefit from the appeal of being a place where Damir isn't.
• He'd be a perfect contestant for a second series of Celebrity Big Brother. After all, he clearly should be locked up.
• Tennis Australia needs some top-notch women's coaches to improve a lacklustre bunch of young players, and Damir got excellent results with Jelena for the small price of making her entire life a misery. All they'd need to say to the players would be "Win, or you'll be coached by Damir."
• He could be sent to Cronulla to ease ethnic tensions. The warring groups could put aside their differences and agree that they have a common hatred of Damir;
• Dokic could promote Gillette razors. The slogan would be "Use our razors, and you won't look like Damir."
• The Nine network needs a new permanent CEO, and the situation's so desperate that they're apparently even considering Eddie McGuire. But with Damir's gift for shouting, he could be a boss after Kerry Packer's own heart.

But the best reason to get him to come back is that while living in Australia, he'd be relatively unlikely to nuclear bomb us. Bags he lives in Sydney.