How to vote in Election 2010

After Yes We Canberra! concluded on its pre-election episode on Wednesday with a song which suggested that every single candidate in this election was f**ked, some have accused The Chaser of negativity. While this is, of course, outrageous, I thought I'd attempt to redress the balance by provide a few good reasons to vote for each of our major parties.

Labor

• You think a good government lost its way, but is now absolutely nailing it.
• You're the one person who was convinced by the endless repetition of "Moving Forward".You find yourself constantly visiting kiddie porn sites, and would like the Government to block them for you.
• You are a faceless machine man, and feel your kind is underrepresented in our nation's parliament.
• You think Peter Garrett's already suffered enough disappointment in his political career
• You are a people smuggler (reason submitted by T. Abbott).
• You could think of nothing better to do with a year of your life than being a member of the Citizen's Assembly.
• You're a happy NSW resident.

Liberal

• The arrival of 5000 desperate asylum seekers per year terrifies you.
• You support going backwards as an admirer of retro chic.
• You're an "undecided" voter at a Rooty Hill RSL Club People's Forum.
• You demand immigration be reduced to what it was going to be anyway.
• You're a married parent, and have noticed the Liberal campaign's subtle indicators that Tony Abbott is one too.
• You feel really sorry for Kevin Rudd, but now want him not even to be Foreign Minister.
• You want WorkChoices to come back, even though Tony Abbott's endlessly ruled it out. (Reason submitted by J. Gillard.)
• You want to get pregnant and are rich.
• You're a Wayne Swan devotee who wants Gillard to fail so that your hero can step up to the plate.

Nationals

• You're from the bush, and will settle for being the far more junior party in a Coalition with a bunch of rich city slickers.
• You look back fondly to the old days in Queensland when your votes were worth much more than anyone else's.
• You don't want the Government to bother spending billions connecting your town to a lightning-fast broadband network.
• You enjoy the standup comedy of Warren Truss.

Greens

• You believe in an emissions trading scheme, and are so dogmatic that you'd rather global warming continued unchecked than see any lesser emissions trading scheme passed.
• You care about the environment, and want other people who care about the environment to implement all their policies, whatever they may be.
• You like Bob Brown, presume every other member of his team must be equally impressive, and haven't seen any other members of his team doing a media appearance.
• You want the Government to "provide free information on substance use, especially for young people". And yes, that is how the Greens have actually worded their policy.
• You enjoyed ABC-TV's Gruen Nation and can't spell.
• You are a drug dealer. (Reason submitted by S. Fielding.)

Democrats

• You remember the Democrats' time holding the balance of power in the Senate fondly.
• You remember the Democrats at all.
• You haven't heard about this story yet.

Family First

• You want to put the Holy Family first.
• You fear the loss of Steve Fielding's values in Parliament.
• You fear the loss of Steve Fielding's entertainment value in Parliament.
• You work in the giant bottle costume industry, and fear the loss of your job.

Australians Against Further Immigration

• You found Pauline Hanson's race-baiting a little too subtle.

Australian Sex Party

• You're a comedy writer who wants an easy butt for your jokes over the next three years. Butt, get it?

Leave the ballot paper blank

• You are Mark Latham
• You found Mark Latham's 60 Minutes report convincing (NB - this is not in fact possible)

Now, that was a bit more positive, wasn't it?