Osama bin after Whitney
You know, we don't laugh at Osama bin Laden enough. He wants us to live in fear of eternal jihad? Let's not give in to his attempts to make us scared of him. Instead, let's laugh at him as if he were, for example, the terrorist version of Paris Hilton. And what better way to fuel that laughter than with a recent story that the world's most evil terrorist mastermind had a big crush on Whitney Houston? And yeah, I linked to that story from the Mirror. I know it quite probably isn't true. All I know is that if you don't find the prospect funny, the terrorists win.
The claim comes from a Sudanese writer, Kola Boof, who claimed to be bin Laden's sex slave. Well, in fact, she was his mistress, according to a clarification her publishers have been sending out, which is a shame – "sex slave" sounds so much more salacious.
She says she was raped and kept captive by him for several months a decade ago, I have to say, this keeping of sex slaves isn't exactly the sort of behaviour I expect from a religious extremist who wants to purge the decadent West by blowing it up. They really should think about arresting him or something. Although I expect a few thousand other murder trials might have priority.
Boof also said bin Laden kept Playboys in his briefcase. That's so unclassy. Other freedom fighters with true integrity, like Che Guevara, would never have dreamed of doing that. This shows us a new side of bin Laden – the Saudi extremist Hugh Hefner. So perhaps Mister bin Laden should think about punishing his own decadence before he calls us to account for ours? Really, religious extremists can be such hypocrites.
Plus, what poor taste! I have to say that my response to The Bodyguard wasn't to want to "spend vast amounts of money on meeting" it's star, but to rain holy fire on those involved. In my book, 'I Will Always Love You' is enough to justify a conviction on terror offences.
My favourite bit is the claim that "Bin Laden constantly spoke of how beautiful Whitney was and what a nice smile she had, how truly Islamic she was but brainwashed by American culture and by her husband – Bobby Brown." I don't know if Public Enemy No 1 has ever seen much of Whitney's work, but I think Osama must have been far beyond lovestruck if he saw her as a potential paragon of Islamic womanhood. Although he's probably right about being corrupted by her husband. Bin Laden probably didn't need to plot to blow up Bobby Brown, though. Brown's done a pretty good job of self-destructing by himself.
That would be a brilliant outcome for us all – even Houston herself, perhaps. According to some stories, some quality time away from decadent Western culture has been necessary for her in the past. And there's nowhere you'd have more pressure on you to go cold turkey than in a mysterious mountain hideout.
And just think of the reward she'd get if she turned him in. Sounds like she needs it, what's more.
That's not all. Not only would she be able to stop bin Laden from wanting to blow us all up, but as a strict Islamic wife, she would have to abandon her recording career. So frankly, I think Whitney should take one for the team.
Dominic Knight