The five-bladed razor from tomorrow (and The Onion)

Comedians have been dining out on the ever-increasing number of blades in razors for years. Gillette's Mach 3 seemed ridiculous, but then Schick took it to the next level with the Quattro. Now, I'm possibly the hairiest person alive, so I am generally happy to sign up for the latest in exorbitant razor technology. But even I will draw the line at the new Gillette Fusion, with a ridiculous five blades. No, it's not a late April Fool's joke – you can order it from Amazon.com. Evidently the engineering wizards at Gillette have fused a razor with a hilarious parody of a razor. Yes, an Onion article literally came true. I hope they're on commission.

I wrote about this when it was first announced, and now, finally, it's here. But the Fusion website's sillier than anything a satirist could dream up. Noting with regret that like all cutting-edge technologies (sorry), it isn't available in Australia, I selected the full-shebang US site. There I met Cassandra, the sexy directress of Fusion Labs, the amazing yet sadly fictional desert location where they design razors with five blades. I think it's a sister school of the Ponds Institute.

Now, unlike any common or garden lab you'd be familiar with, hers has a 'holosphere'. Amazing. But not as amazing as the Gillette Fusion. Especially since if five ridiculous blades isn't enough, you can even get a vibrating battery model.

I'm not sure that having five extremely sharp pieces of metal vibrating near my face is a good idea. But Cassandra knows about these things. Here she is in her hottie-holosphere, alongside the world's most expensive razor ever.

So, what technological wizardry do they use to justify the necessity of five blades? To explain – or rather, to distract us shallow men from the question – Cassandra takes off her faux-lab white coat so we can see her hot arms. "Isn't it time to slip into something a little more comfortable," she asks? Apparently the advantage of five blades is that they're spaced closer together, and that's more comfortable. Well, of course they're closer together. Otherwise the blade would be an inch long.

But how is it more comfortable to have five blades irritating your skin? Remember how they used to have animations in the Mach 3 ad where each of the three blades shaved the hair closer than the one before? Well, they haven't bothered here. And you can't tell me that by the time blade #5 kicks in, it isn't shaving thin air – or your skin.

But apparently all of this forms a "Shaving Surface(TM) Technology". As opposed to earlier, non-trademarked razors, which didn't involve a surface that shaved you, apparently.

So what other delights has the curvaceous Cassandra got for me in her shaving futuredome? Surely she can't top a magnificent five blades?

Hang on. Whoa. WHOA. Forget five blades.

There are six.

SIX.

My mind just got blown.

Because the Fusion also has a "precision trimmer blade" that you use on the back of the cartridge. Cassandra calls it "the best thing you never knew you wanted so badly." It's perfect for sideburns, under the nose – those "tricky places". Cassandra contends it's her best idea yet. And you know what? I'm inclined to agree with her.

Beam me up, Cassandra. I think I'm in love – with your razor. But just before you do, let me look as the "frequently asked questions" section of your "holosphere".

What? There isn't an entry under "Surely five blades plus one precision trimmer blade equals a colossal waste of money?" Are you honestly trying to tell me that isn't the most frequently-asked question about the Gillette Fusion?

You saucy virtual razor scientist minx, I'm beginning to suspect you don't actually exist in a futuristic Gillette laboratory, but that you're simply a cynical marketing creation, trying to trick foolish men into buying ever-more-expensive razors via a mix of sex and technobabble.

Because, of course, a razor with six blades probably costs twice as much as the already-expensive Mach 3. And that's what this is all about.

Please, someone alert the genuine scientists. For it appears Gillette has devised the theoretical maximum of ridiculous razors. I don't think five plus one razors could possibly be topped. But then again, I don't have Cassandra's genius.

So, will I join the Fusion revolution? Well, it appears that the best this man can get is to grow a beard.



Dominic Knight