Torvill and Deane's Horrific Injuries On Ice
Well, Dancing On Ice finally seems to have hit on a winning formula. The inclusion of Torvill and Deane – which just made it feel 1980s-ish – and the concept of celebrities ice-skating certainly didn't pack in the punters. But watching B-grade celebrities like Michael Slater and Giaan Rooney get horrific injuries? I'm there.
And what was Rooney doing injuring herself in training, anyway? I hope the cameras were rolling. Because who wouldn't tune in to scenes like this, as described by Slater?
"It was a gaping hole [...] it was the biggest flesh wound I've seen on my body and it was sort of in a V shape on my left index finger.
"Plenty of blood. I was spurting blood all over the ice which was impressive.
"But then I thought: 'I'm going to lose too much blood here. I could be brown bread'."
Of course, I feel really sorry for Giaan Rooney – broken legs are horrible. And not as telegenic as huge gashes like Slats'. But what did they expect? Ice-skating is really hard, and quite dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. You've got amateur celebs wearing razor-sharp knives on your feet. It's not just a bit of harmless fun, like an episode of Dancing With The Stars that doesn't include Pauline Hanson.
Maybe the publicity-gathering injuries were all part of the plan? In which case we may soon see even more celebrity injury events. Celebrity Skirmish, for instance. Perhaps with live rounds? Here are a few ideas for new shows. Please note that any networks who wish to use them must pay me royalties.
- Celebrity Sumo – Merv Hughes enters the ring with yokozuna Iain 'Huey' Hewitson
- Celebrity Duel – the centuries-old tradition turned into nailbiting entertainment. After ten paces, former Test speedster Craig 'Billy' McDermott shoots former ring-in Scott Muller dead. Can't bowl, can't throw, can't shoot.
- Celebrity Archery – Soap stars such as Tammin Sursok are taught how to use a bow. As an added twist, the now-obscure celebs whose jobs they took are used as live targets. Finally, new gigs for Bruce Samazan and Rebekah Elmaloglou!
- Celebrity Jousting – the members of 1927 take turns trying to knock members of the Daddo family off a horse. The show would be dedicated to the memory of Christopher Reeve.
- Celebrity Commandoes – Everyone loves those shows where a pro is partnered with a celebrity amateur, like Dancing With The Stars or On Ice. We pair highly trained members of the special forces with celebrities. Watch as former pop sensation Collette accompanies her partner on a black-ops raid in Iraq, where she's regrettably killed by insurgents.
Is all this implausible? Not judging by my favourite celebrity humiliation-fest Celebrity Boxing, from the redoubtable Fox network in the US. Who wouldn't want to watch Danny Partridge taking on Greg Brady? Even better was Willis from Diff'rent Strokes beating the crap out of Vanilla Ice. Capped off with Bill Clinton's "friend" Paula Jones getting hammered by Tonya Harding – who's clearly extremely violent, given her plot to injure Nancy Kerrigan.
Celebrity Boxing 2 didn't have quite the same lame-celebrity-gets-pummelled appeal. It only had one interesting celebrity – but it was a doozy. Screech from Saved By The Bell. No, you can't live it down with a cool goatee, Dustin. We know where you've been.
Why on earth doesn't Ten put on something like this here? My ultimate matchup would have to be Nudge from Hey Dad vs the little fat kid. Who I now read is a Mormon missionary – all the more reason for him to be punched repeatedly for our entertainment.
Sorry, I keep getting distracted by still-more hilarious obscure celebrity trivia. I read that Foxtel has just bought the Hey Dad...! rerun rights. WHY? And did you know that Nudge provided the voice for one of those allegedly racist Trade Federation guys in Star Wars Episode II? Darn Wikipedia.
Anyway, in summary: Hilariously obscure celebrities. Getting injured in some way. Outstanding entertainment. Please add your own ideas below. I'll be sure to give you 25% when I pitch them to a network.