Psych-clone Johnny

The Democrats' one remaining senator with any media profile, Natasha Stott Despoja, made headlines last week with her support for therapeutic cloning. I'm not surprised the Democrats have come out in favour of the technology. Large-scale duplication of their few remaining voters may be the only solution to electoral oblivion.

The Health Minister, Tony Abbott, has opposed the legislation, arguing, as ever, that the wellbeing of living people is not as important as that of hypothetical people. He says the scientific benefits aren't yet proven. Of course they aren't; the research hasn't been done. That's like arguing you shouldn't try to circumnavigate the globe because there isn't yet proof that it's round.

It also seems particularly cynical of Abbott to ban research that could help Alzheimer's sufferers when he knows they won't remember to punish him for it come election time.

Abbott claims that if we allow therapeutic cloning, people will want to clone humans and create human-animal hybrids. His own Liberal colleague, Mal Washer, a former GP, has called these claims "sensationalist". But while Washer may not want to clone people, I do. Specifically, myself. Imagine always being able to hang out with someone who'd never fight over the remote control with you? And if I needed an organ transplant, my clone would be right there ready to donate a kidney, a lung or even a heart.

These ideas may explain John Howard's new-found support for a conscience vote on the issue, a development almost as surprising as the notion that politicians have a conscience in the first place. With enough Howard clones, Peter Costello might never become leader. It's probably also occurred to Howard that if scientists can perfect the technology, they could clone Don Bradman.

Any concerns our "cricket tragic" leader might have would seem trifling compared with the opportunity of a comeback by the game's greatest batsman. You can imagine Howard's delight at the prospect of selecting a Prime Minister's XI made up of 11 Don Bradmans.

Cloning could solve another problem close to the PM's heart: the future of the monarchy. If we whip up a few Queen Elizabeths, the unpopular Prince Charles need never become king.

And even if Australia did become a republic, the Prime Minister, John Howard, would no doubt have an excellent working relationship with the first president - John Howard.

Read more of Dominic Knight on the Radar blog at radar.smh.com.au.
Photo-illustration: Kate Oliver

Real work experience for pollies

Politicians + cameras = unspeakable lameness, in general. Just check David Oldfield and Jackie Kelly's recent reality TV efforts, if you doubt this principle. Now a remarkable 90 of them are fronting up to various small businesses around the country to get some "real" experience of what it's like to run a small business. The SMH had a clip of Peter Garrett flipping burgers today, and Small Business Minister Fran Bailey will be working in a garden centre, among other things.

Here's what the organisers reckon it's all about:

“The program is a great way for Pollies to learn first-hand of the everyday challenges faced by a small business operator." [ABL State Chamber CEO, Kevin MacDonald said.]

“It has been through programs such as ABL State Chamber and Australia Post Pollies for Small Business that business operators have been able to get in the ear of government and to highlight their concerns.

“In recent times we have achieved success in getting the State and Federal government to cut red tape, which we attribute to a better understanding of the regulatory burdens faced by business."

Really? A pollie turns up for a photo shoot and spends a few hours glad-handing punters so they can cynically appeal to the small business vote, and that's supposed to give them insight into the painful slog of running a small business? And I speak with the bitter experience of someone previously involved in one of Australia's least successful small businesses.

The whole thing's just a publicity stunt. C'mon – Clover Moore's going to a bookshop? That's just fun. Sure, nerdy fun. But still fun.

If our politicians really want to get some meaningful work experience, something to put them in touch with "everyday challenges", why don't they try a few of these ideas?

John Howard: work at a servo, like the one his dad had when he was a kid, so he can cop a serve from every single punter when they have to pay for their petrol.

Peter Costello: swap jobs for a day with brother Tim, the head of World Vision. He might benefit from realising that some people in the world have bigger worries than when they'll become Prime Minister.



Morris Iemma: swap jobs for a day with Bob Carr. Not so he could go to Macquarie Bank – he'll do that when he retires as well, presumably – but so Carr has to fix up the Cross City Tunnel mess.

Amanda Vanstone: I know it's not entirely her fault because she's one of the softer Liberals – but I'd still love to make her spend a day in Villawood Detention Centre.

Kim Beazley: spend a day running the union movement, to give them a taste of their own medicine.



Natasha Stott Despoja: It'd probably be fascinating for her to do a day of work experience with a political party that actually has power

Simon Crean: spend a day as ALP leader, so that the rest of us appreciate Kim Beazley more.

Alexander Downer: spend a day retailing fishnet products on Oxford St. Both because I'm sure he'd enjoy it, and because at least for one day, he wouldn't be Foreign Minister.

Kevin Rudd: spend a day working in a Chinese noodle restaurant, just so he can talk in Mandarin for 24 hours and get it out of his system.

Peter Garrett: return to his old gig with the Australian Conservation Foundation. Can you imagine the awkward silences?

Peter Debnam: spend a day as Premier of NSW. It's the closest he'll ever get.*

Tony Abbott: OK, so it's pretty unlikely – but can you imagine what spending a day as a woman might do for his interventionist family planning views?

* As a recent survey found most people don't realise, he's the NSW Liberal leader.

In defence of Al Kyder

The Chaser team have made headlines today with a story about a prank at Sydney Airport this week. The War On Everything team bought tickets on a Virgin Blue flight as Al Kyder and Terry Wrist, and when these individuals failed to board the plane, Virgin helpfully read their names out, giving the piece an excellent punchline. (View the clip here.) The SMH has been running a poll on the prank, and I'm glad to see "Excellent" has 62%! Because although it's Bart Simpsonesque in its silliness, the prank does make a worthwhile point.

When not moderating Sian's comments on this website, my other gigs include writing for the War on Everything, so I'm glad most people have taken the gag in the spirit in which we intended it – as a really silly idea that illustrates the massive loophole in web check-ins.

News Limited's papers made a massive fuss about these loopholes in e-ticketing earlier in the week. It's not exactly an original observation – in fact a certain humble Radar blogger made an identical point last year. (Incidentally, the "friend" that Virgin detained was Chas Licciardello, of subsequent Bulldogs-prank fame.)

We can reasonably assume that there are terrorist cells in Australia – or at least suspected cells. We know that in the UK, a massive plot to blow up 10 aeroplanes was just foiled. The names of any suspect in Australia probably appears, or at least should appear, on a no-fly list – the FBI uses them all the time. The point is that if we aren't bothering to check identities as people board the aircraft, someone on one of these lists could easily board an aircraft. And – because it evidently isn't obvious to the Department of Transport – that would be bad.

This loophole is particularly terrifying when we've just learned that you can make a bomb out of an easily-disguised liquid and the battery from an iPod or something like it – that was the basis of the plot they just foiled last Thursday. Sydney Airport has decided not to check liquids except on US flights. Because obviously copycat terrorists aren't intelligent enough to try the same thing on flights to other destinations. So, thanks to our current security policies, you could have someone on a no-fly list boarding a plane with explosive liquids.

And as I said in my last piece on this, the only check is when they ask you whether you are carrying any dangerous goods. I reckon someone bent on blowing up a plane would probably be willing to lie to the Virgin Blue website about that.

It's a bizarre double standard when you still have to show photo ID when you check in the old way via queueing.

I'm not in favour of US-style over-the-top security, but it would hardly be onerous for the government to require all passengers boarding a flight to show photo ID that matches their boarding pass at the gate. That's what they do at every other airport I've been to anywhere in the world, whether for a domestic or international flight.

Besides, accurate passenger lists are surely crucial in any case. What if a plane did go down, and the list of who was on board it was incorrect? I know people who've taken others' web bookings at the last minute to avoid the $30 name-change fee. Can you imagine if an airline got that call to the family wrong?

If this publicity gets this policy changed, then Al Kyder and Terry Wrist's work will be done. Virgin Blue have a sign saying they take jokes about security seriously. Well, it's their security, and Qantas', that's the joke.

PS While I'm in Chaser plugorama mode, I guess I really should mention that the show is on at 10 tonight, or downloadable via video podcast thereafter. Let's just say that Al Kyder wasn't the only silly prank we pulled at Sydney Airport this week...

Middle East ceases firing, starts typing

Well, we've got our ceasefire. (Even if it was violated after only four hours.) And Hezbollah is busily claiming victory, the logic of which escapes me. (Not that that's a first for Hezbollah's actions.) Unless you define not being completely pummelled into oblivion as a military triumph - much as Saddam did after the 'Mother of All Wars' – it seemed to me like Lebanon got rather the worst of it.

The President of Iran, Mamdouh Ahmadinejad, was among those claiming victory, saying that ""God's promises have come true" and the United States' plans to reshape the Middle East had been ruined", according to the SMH. Well, the latter part's true, but not because of Lebanon or Hezbollah. The US stuffed it up all by themselves.

The region hasn't seen so much positive spin put on a disaster since President Bush declared "mission accomplished" aboard that warship. Still, as irritating as the parades must be for Israel, at least they've stopped launching rockets. Momentarily.

Ironically, many Israelis (I'd say correctly) perceive that they haven't exactly been huge winners out of it either, and have called for "the army chief's head", as the headline puts it. I'm sure Hezbollah would be more than happy to be involved in removing it. The General sold $36,000 worth of shares on his way to the meeting that recommended war – surely a situation even Rene Rivkin might admit raised insider trading concerns.

The battle for the region's hearts and minds has continued on the Iranian President's new blog, which has been almost ubiquitously reported in the media since it started, presumably because we're fascinated that the conservative leader of a country whose religious attitudes seem so regressive could embrace new media. That's corollary is a furphy, of course – Al Qaeda are clearly very net-literate, for example. They've been distributing amateur video around the world since well before YouTube ever existed.

The site's a bit disappointing, to be honest – just some biographical details so far. (The same seems to apply for the Farsi site as well.) He's pretty keen to boast about his academic prowess, interestingly, but just about the only amusing thing is the poll, which asks "Do you think that the US and Israeli intention and goal by attacking Lebanon is pulling the trigger for another word war?" (I assume world war is what he means – a word war would be a welcome respite.) It's running about lineball at the moment.

You can leave a comment, interestingly. After all, Iran is a democracy – at least as far as its secular leadership goes. Funny how America doesn't ever give Iran a thumbs up when it talks about bringing democracy to the Middle East. Although the Islamic state's free speech record isn't exactly awesome.

In the interests of balance, though, I should point out that the Iranians aren't the only ones using the internet as a tool during this conflict. The Israelis have set up a charming programme where you can shout the boys out on the Lebanese border a pizza or a burger. It's only US $189 to buy burgers for an entire platoon! How considerate!

Here's how it works:



We deliver your burger order right up to the soldiers out in the field: jeep and foot patrols, roadblocks, army bases and on guard duty.



Sounds dangerous? No!



All our deliveries are coordinated with the security forces

and thus pose no security risk.

In fact, it may even be lower than the security risk of just walking down the street.

With your order, we include your personal message to the Israeli soldiers. Our soldiers love to know that they have support from all around the world. We have included a selection of messages that people have written to the soldiers. Please read them and we are sure that you will be inspired as much as we are! It is without doubt as tremendous an experience for us to give out the burgers and soda as it is for the soldiers receiving them, in the knowledge that people everywhere support them.

And if the pizza doesn't come in 30 minutes, Hezbollah rockets will heat it up for you.



Dominic Knight

Oops, the camera's on

I know most of the web seems to be devoted to links to YouTube videos these days, but this one's awesome. (Sorry if you've seen it.) Everyone reckons Kevin Federline's bad for Britney, but this video – viewed over 2 million times – is probably the greatest disservice he ever did her. It's the most embarrassing celebrity video I've ever seen a couple make where they keep their clothes on.

Here's the link – unfortunately I can't embed it. Look out for these highlights.

• Britney burping
• Britney's Southern Belle accent – Ah haid no ah-dea.
• Britney shaking her head groggily and asking "where've I been"?
• Britney insisting that Back To The Future-style time-travel is real
• Kevin agreeing that it might be possible, but that no-one would tell, because "can you imagine how many people would try to go back and change s**t?"

The YouTube member who posted it has suggested in the clip's title that she's stoned. I think that's outrageous, and republish the allegation only so that Britney's people can sue.

Bizarrely, it seems to be an authorised release as an extra on her Chaotic DVD – there's a clip of it in the intro to this one, which is also pretty funny.

There's also an uncut version which contains not much else except the following exchange between these two geniuses.

"I'm ugly."

"No!"

"My jaw hurts."

"That doesn't mean you're ugly."

Finally I understand why they're together. In fact, they're perfect for each other. YouTube crashed for 6 hours last night, apparently. At that volume, this clip may be why!



Dominic Knight

No hand luggage? It's enough to make people terrorists...

Last week British security services stopped a horrifying plan to blow up 10 planes over the US. The arrests are a significant victory in the "war against terror", yet the plotters appear to have succeeded brilliantly in inconveniencing air travellers by boring them stiff on long-haul flights.

Passengers leaving British airports can now bring onboard little more than wallets, keys, passports and medical or sanitary items, stored in a plastic bag. No electronic items are allowed and you can't bring a book.
The realisation that a plane can be destroyed by using a portable electronic device and an easily disguised liquid has a much more profound effect on air travel than the minor inconvenience of eating with plastic knives.
While passengers will gladly settle for not being blown up, these changes must make long-haul flights tortuous. I can't imagine a 22-hour flight to Sydney with only the inflight entertainment system to stave off boredom. There are only so many times you can watch Big Momma's House 2 and Ice Age 2 (a couple of the options on an international flight I caught recently) without going completely barmy.
And I'm not sure whether Qantas's inflight TV still largely revolves around Everybody Loves Raymond, but let's just say I don't. The prospect of being restricted to his company would probably make me seriously consider blowing open the emergency exit door.
Long-haul travellers will have to resort to the kind of time-killing games we used to play on long car trips as children. But playing I spy on a plane gets boring pretty quickly, especially when virtually the only thing you can spy with your little eye in economy class is "seat".
The games we used to play at school aren't much help. Brandings and handball aren't the same with a scrunched-up sick bag, and I suspect that playing bullrush in an aeroplane aisle would constitute some form of terror offence in itself.
A desperate option - to be used only after you've made planes out of every available napkin, twiddled your thumbs raw and sorted every single peanut on your tray table in order of length - is to read the inflight magazine.
Even worse, you'll probably have to re-read it on the way home as well. It's at that point that I think I'd find myself acknowledging that the terrorists had won.
Still, it's better to have difficulty killing time than being killed yourself.

Read more of Dominic Knight on the Radar blog at radar.smh.com.au.

Iraq: the PowerPoint slide

Did the US military fail to plan adequately for its post-invasion governance of Iraq? I presume no-one outside of the White House would say "no". So how did they come to do preside over such a prolonged disaster? Well, according to a new book, it's all the fault of Microsoft PowerPoint.

Here's a quote from Thomas Ricks' book Fiasco (via Crooked Timber):

[Army Lt. General David] McKiernan had another, smaller but nagging issue: He couldn’t get Franks to issue clear orders that stated explicitly what he wanted done, how he wanted to do it, and why. Rather, Franks passed along PowerPoint briefing slides that he had shown to Rumsfeld: "It’s quite frustrating the way this works, but the way we do things nowadays is combatant commanders brief their products in PowerPoint up in Washington to OSD and Secretary of Defense…In lieu of an order, or a frag [fragmentary order], or plan, you get a bunch of PowerPoint slides…[T]hat is frustrating, because nobody wants to plan against PowerPoint slides."

That reliance on slides rather than formal written orders seemed to some military professionals to capture the essence of Rumsfeld’s amateurish approach to war planning. "Here may be the clearest manifestation of OSD’s contempt for the accumulated wisdom of the military profession and of the assumption among forward thinkers that technology—above all information technology—has rendered obsolete the conventions traditionally governing the preparation and conduct of war," commented retired Army Col. Andrew Bacevich, a former commander of an armored cavalry regiment. "To imagine that PowerPoint slides can substitute for such means is really the height of recklessness." It was like telling an automobile mechanic to use a manufacturer’s glossy sales brochure to figure out how to repair an engine.

So, what do military plans in PowerPoint look like? This is supposedly the actual slide used by Joint Task Force IV in its planning:

Funny, I don't see "prolonged insurgency" or "massive troop and civilian casualties" on there.

Much of the commentary on this slide has centred on how incomprehensible it is. Fair point. But it seems they thought that "aimed pressure" from the military and then ultimately Iraqi civil authorities could bridge ethnic, tribal and religious divides. And that's the real risk of PowerPoint – it makes bollocksy assertions look convincing. Just because you have a bunch of arrows pointing in a direction doesn't mean it's actually going to result in "strategic success". If this is all they had to go on, no wonder it's a screaming disaster.

Tragically, they're still using it in Iraq. Although fortunately not for pre-mission briefings at the lowest level.

And now they've developed a presentation to make the case against Iran. The great thing about using PowerPoint is that if they are planning to invade – and you can bet the neocons are – they can just do a find-and-replace on the slide above. The same way they are with their foreign policy.



Dominic Knight

Let's vote this Celebrity Survivor off our island

There has been a lot of criticism of David Oldfield over the years, and the latest thing he's being hammered in the press is perhaps his most innocuous. He's taken two days off from Parliament to film Celebrity Survivor in Vanuatu. But personally, I welcome the idea of David Oldfield not being in Macquarie St, having input into anything resembling policy. In fact, I can't think of anything better NSW taxpayers could do with Oldfield than dump him permanently on a remote island.

Oldfield, of course, was Pauline Hanson's svengali for a time before he dumped her to run for the NSW Upper House on the One Nation ticket. He then cynically spun off One Nation NSW into its own independent entity, meaning it didn't go down the gurgler when Hanson herself did. In so doing also achieved something that his notional leader never did – getting elected on a One Nation ticket. Given that pedigree you can see how badly Oldfield must have wanted publicity if he was willing to travel to an island where he'd be surrounded by people with dark skin.

At a time when our sensitivity on racism issues is appropriately high – ask Dean Jones – I hate to see a man who was once involved with a controversial hate-speech site (muslimterrorists.com) being given this kind of soft publicity. Seven put Pauline on Dancing With The Stars, and Oldfield is even more noxious. Pauline may have been prejudiced, but she was also naive. Oldfield saw a successful brand and used it to catapult himself into a cushy position. I wonder he was ever even particularly sympathetic to her politics, as opposed to seeing them for the electoral gold they briefly were.

As for Celebrity Survivor, it sounds fascinating. I'm particularly keen to see how self-styled white witch Fiona Horne uses her magic in extreme conditions. If she's starving, surely she can just conjure up a three-course dinner?

She's accused the host Dicko of being sexist, which has – suuuurely coincidentally – gotten the show lots of handy publicity. What are the odds of Dicko having problems with his attitude towards women? Pretty high if you ask Paulini.

Imogen Bailey, the FHM modelette, rushed to Dicko's defence. (Oddly enough, as a swimsuit model, she isn't so sensitive about issues such as objectificatio.) Apparently she fought with Horne throughout the series, and may well have narrowly avoided been transformed into a toad. (That is, of course, unless the white witch thing is rubbish. What are the chances?!) It'll be fascinating to see Bailey in an environment where she's not surrounded by hyperventilating adolescents. Expect lots of glistening swimsuit shots and not a great deal else.

So – Celebrity Survivor looks quite compelling. I just don't think David Oldfield should be on it. He's not a celebrity, he's either a fascist or a cynical opportunist, or most likely a mix of both. Only an incredibly small, and fairly misguided, proportion of NSW ever even voted for him. The bar for celebrities in reality TV is usually set incredibly low, but Oldfield is well below even that. I can only hope he doesn't outwit, outplay or outlast. My wish is that, as he will be after our next state election, he's just plain out.



Dominic Knight

A column about bananas

Paul Keating once warned that Australia risked becoming a banana republic. While this dire prediction has not come to pass – John Howard's political nous having scuppered the republic, just as it scuppered Keating himself – the former half of his warning has just been vindicated. While we aren't exactly a tinpot military dictatorship, our economy does seem to be worryingly dependent on bananas. And recently, it hasn't exactly been smoothie sailing. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself.)

I don't understand the complex macroeconomic relationships that the Reserve Bank takes into account when they determine monetary policy – I have enough trouble just doing my tax returns – so I don't know to what extent the banana crisis has pulpily trickled down into other areas of the economy. But we all know that Cyclone Larry devastated Queensland’s banana crop, meaning that not only has my local cafe has whacked a $2 surcharge on banana splits, but interest rates just went up. So not only have the repayments on my shiny, probably foolhardy new mortgage gone up for the second time since I got it a few months ago, but I can't even afford to cheer myself up with a delicious banana-based sugary treat. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

And that’s why you should support the many reputable advertisers in The Glebe, incidentally. I need this column, folks, and without it, I may have to resort to crime – dealing hydroponic bananas, for instance.

Is this how people in New Orleans felt post-Katrina? Well, not really, no. My home is still dry, and I haven't been left to starve by the US Government. But I bet I know exactly how people with a very loose economic relationship with New Orleans who were marginally inconvenienced by Katrina's flow-on fiscal effects felt.

Then there are petrol prices. I don't really understand how they've impacted on interest rates either, I'm afraid. Read a credible columnist if you want actual 'analysis' like that. All I know is that being hit by higher rates and petrol prices at the same time is a pretty painful double whammy for middle Australia. I'd worry if I was John Howard. Okay, that's not completely credible. I'd worry if I was John Howard and not running against Kim Beazley.

The problem we have is that affluence is addictive. We’re used to luxuries like being able to drive wherever we want and eat bananas whenever we want. And we resent being asked to compromise on anything. George Bush said that “the American way of life is non-negotiable” in rejecting the Kyoto Protocol, and that’s why no-one in America would dream of giving up their gas-guzzling Hummers for a hybrid. (Still fewer are getting hybrid Hummers, like Arnold Schwarzenegger did.)

Even though American greenies are trying to equate reducing fuel consumption with national security – which you have to do with everything in the US, of course – no-one is giving any credence to the argument. Which is a shame, because the conclusion that America should reduce its dependence on oil because it gives the Middle East enormous leverage over it is almost obvious as the conclusion that the war in Iraq was kind of a dumb idea. The same self-defeating attitude pervades – to a less arrogant degree, admittedly – in Australia.

With the cost of living spiralling out of control, we are going need to tighten our belts a little. Not as much as we need to loosen them thanks to the obesity crisis, admittedly. But just as the banana shortage has forced us to resort to alternative forms of fruit, we’re going to have to start using alternative forms of transport. Public transport isn’t so bad. Well actually, it is, but we need to start using it and investing in it anyway. Whether we like it or not, our way of life will have to be negotiable.

So – pear split, anyone? We can walk it off afterwards.

Call that a stoush? Not by Keating's standards

So, the Coalition's toughest enforcer, Wilson "Ironbar" Tuckey, has taken on Kim "Bomber" Beazley! They were inches away from each other's faces this morning, and quite possibly on the verge of fisticuffs. I watched the clip, eager for a good old-style blue – and all we got was the exchanging of some of the lamest insults ever to disgrace the Australian Parliament. "Weak sop" indeed.

First Beazley tells Tuckey to "take his pills". What a dull, cliched putdown! The man has the biggest vocabulary in the Australian Parliament, a mental word Rolodex so big that it's an electoral liability, and that's the best he can do? What a woeful performance.

It made me nostalgic for Mark Latham, whose "conga line of suckholes" was a more effective attack on a toadying government than anything Beazley's said in his three hundred-odd years as Opposition Leader.

Then Beazley tried to get his talking points out, saying ""Why don't you take your weak, worthless self in there with the weak, worthless piece of legislation."

What kind of attack on the border protection legislation is that? We're talking about legislation that even many Liberals feel is too harsh. Petro Georgiou called it "the most profoundly disturbing piece of legislation I have encountered". It's a bill that will place women and children in detention again. It's a cruel piece of legislation, and Beazley calls it weak? Although it may well be worthless.

Then Tuckey called him a "fat so-and-so". Yes, Beazley's rotund, and it's probably a touch tacky to comment on that – although Tuckey isn't exactly svelte. But "so-and-so"? The man's frothing at the mouth with anger and the best he can come up with is "so-and-so"? I reckon some of Beazley's closest friends would acknowledge he's a "so-and-so".

I've commented on how drab our current crop of politicians is, and this insipid exchange – probably the day's top news story – only confirms it. What a depressingly bland political landscape we have when even the firebrand who once flogged a customer (whom Wikipedia claims was Aboriginal) in his pub with a piece of electrical cable can't muster an insult better than "so-and-so".

It didn't used to be this way. You want to see some good insults? Here's what the maestro, Paul Keating said to Wilson Tuckey:

"...You stupid foul-mouthed grub."

"Shut up! Sit down and shut up, you pig!"

"You boxhead you wouldn't know. You are flat out counting past ten."

There are plenty more where that came from. Here are some of Keating's finest, which I've taken from his online insult archive, originally started by some UWS students. Enjoy:

On former Liberal and Opposition Leader (now Prime Minister), John Howard (right):



"What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him." (Wasn't that wrong in hindsight?)



"He's wound up like a thousand day clock..."

"...the brain-damaged Leader of the Opposition..."

(Of his 1986 leadership) "From this day onwards, Howard will wear his leadership like a crown of thorns, and in the parliament I'll do everything to crucify him."

"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."

"But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It's like 'Spot the eyebrows'."

"I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot..."

"He has more hide than a team of elephants."

"I do not want to hear any mealymouthed talk from the Member for Benellong."

"The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars."

"Come in sucker."

During Great Debate '96: "You're so rude!"

On Former Leader of the Opposition, John Hewson:



(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce.

He always turns around when I drop one on him. He can't psychologically handle it.

I was implying that the Honorable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock - alive, but looking dead.

Yesterday, on a personal matter against me, we had old dozy over there, the Honourable Member for Wentworth.

I have a psychological hold over Hewson...He's like a stone statue in the cemetery.

I'm not going to be fairy flossed away as my opposite number, John Hewson, is prepared to be fairy flossed away by some spaced out, vacous ad agency.

I'd put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity.

This is the sort of little-boy, stamp your foot stuff which comes from a financial yuppie when you shoe him into parliament.

Hewson's only made the grade on paid advertisements. He's put me under no pressure at all. The only one who's put us under pressure on any issue is Peacock. He's an old cynic and he goes for the issues. Hewson's on television a lot but he hasn't put me under any pressure.

On former Liberal Party Leader and Shadow Treasurer, Andrew Peacock:



"...what we have here is an intellectual rust bucket."

"He, as Foreign Minister, was swanning around the United States of America with Shirley MacLaine or trying to crash one of Ted Kennedy's parties...and he was trying to play statesman...while he swanned around, and then he made a cowardly attack upon the former Prime Minister before slinking back into his cabinet."

"...if this gutless spiv, and I refer to him as a gutless spiv..."

"...the Leader of the Opposition's inane stupidities."

"He could not rise above his own opportunism or his incapacity to lead."

"I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness."

"He represents nothing and nobody."

"You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew."

"The Leader of the Opposition is more to be pitied than despised, the poor old thing." "The Liberal Party ought to put him down like a faithful dog because he is of no use to it and of no use to the nation."

"We're not interested in the views of painted, perfumed gigolos."

"It is the first time the Honourable Gentleman has got out from under the sunlamp."

"Bib and Bub. The Leader of the Opposition and his Deputy."

"...a fop such as the present Leader of the Opposition."

On Former Shadow Treasurer, Jim Carlton:



Jim Carlton: "Madame Speaker I ask that the offensive term used by the Treasurer be withdrawn."

Keating: "I withdraw it. I wouldn't hurt his feelings for quids. The fact is that the farmer..."

Allen Rocher: "On a point of order Madame Speaker; Can you please inform the house whether the Treasurer withdrew his comment?"

Keating: "Of course I did. I wouldn't offend Old Rosie over there."

"I was nearly chloroformed by the performance of the Honorable Member for Mackellar. It nearly put me right out for the afternoon."

On Former Labor Prime Minister, Gough Whitlam:



"In terms of the Labor agenda this government has left every other Labor government bare arsed. No other government even gets within cooee of it. We have a cabinet which has a degree of economic sophistication which puts the Whitlam government into the cavemen class in economic terms."

In conversation with Whitlam:

Whitlam: "That was a good speech. You should go back comrade, and get yourself an honours degree."

Keating: "What for ? Then I'd be like you."

On Former National Party Leader, Ian Sinclair:



"...this piece of vermin, the leader of the National Party."

"What we have as a leader of the National Party is a political carcass with a coat and tie on."

On Liberal, Ken Aldred:



"... the brain-damaged Honorable Member for Bruce made his first parliamentary contribution since being elected, by calling a quorum to silence me for three minutes."

Paul John Keating. Now there was a politician who knew his way around an insult.



Dominic Knight



Image: Sky News

TV's getting dodgy

Poor Yasmin. First she can't find a guy to marry her, then her TV network dumps her. The network has agreed to pay for Yasmin's wedding (once she finds someone), so she's probably done OK out of the whole debacle. The odds of a made-for reality- TV wedding enduring are probably even slimmer than those on of Shane Warne's next marriage.

The show's problem was there was no competition. If they'd had a dozen brides fighting over a prospective groom, viewers might have been interested. But when the only conflict was within Yasmin's tedious psyche, it's not surprising they switched off.
So one appalling TV program departs, only to be replaced with a far greater evil: late-night quizzes.
The first of these was Big Brother Up-Late, in which Mike Goldman mixed obvious call-in word puzzles with scintillating footage of housemates sleeping. It's amazing Adults Only attracted so much controversy when by any quality standard, Up-Late was far more offensive.

This execrable effort spawned the Up-Late Game Show, which saved housemate Hotdogs from the total obscurity he deserved, instead giving him near-total obscurity as the frontman for 90 minutes of tedious guessing games. Its success – financial, not critical – has inspired Nine and Seven to follow suit with the near-identical Quizmania and Midnight Zoo respectively.

Viewers once had some quality options, such as David Letterman's The Late Show, before it got cut back. Now all three commercial networks broadcast late-night inanity.
These shows' success relies on low production values and their low-rent hosts' ability to pad. The secret? Constantly exhorting viewers to call and then stretching each puzzle over several ad breaks so they don't have to give too much money away.

We've long had local content rules, but it's high time we enforced quality content rules on free-to-air TV. Television licences are precious and anyone devoting their schedules to con viewers into making expensive phone calls should have them revoked.
Public television isn't much of an alternative. SBS has an assortment
of foreign-language news and late-night soft-porn and the ABC broadcasts the one late-night show that's even duller than the quizzes, Order in the House.

The only people to benefit from the quizification of late night TV are the networks, who are cashing in, and insomniacs. Going to sleep never looked so good. I'd even rather watch Yasmin.

Read more of Dominic Knight on the Radar blog at radar.smh.com.au

Meet The Other Iraq!

Marketing is a truly difficult art. And changing consumer perceptions is perhaps its trickiest aspect. When there's a negative association with your product in the minds of the public, it can be extremely hard to dispel. Pity, then, the people trying to attract Western tourists to Iraq.

I saw in the Mess-o-potamia (and no, that pun never gets old) segment on last night Daily Show that the Kurds have set up an ingenious marketing plan to attract visitors and investors to Kurdistan, which has been a peaceful, autonomous region since 1992. It was the only meaningful progress made in the first Gulf War – well, except the decommissioning of Saddam's WMDs, which we all now know was completely successful.

The only tiny marketing issue is that even though it's another country in practice, Kurdistan is technically still part of Iraq. Which is not exactly the world's favorite place for a relaxing break. So how do you convince people to come? Why, set up TheOtherIraq.com.

Or, as they put it:

It's spectacular.

It's peaceful.

Welcome to Iraqi Kurdistan.
Where democracy has been practiced for over a decade. It's not a dream.
It's the other Iraq.

That's right, folks – the deights of the civilised, peaceful bit of the unremitting hellhole that is Iraq are beautifully showcased for the world's English speakers at this site. Did you know that:

• There are less than 200 Coalition troops in Kurdistan? (i was wondering how this was reassuring, exactly – and then twigged that of course they're the ones whose presence leads to unrest because insurgents want to blow them up.)
• It's a democracy. I don't mean like how regular Iraq is, I mean it's a place where people actually vote for their leaders without the threat of being made to explode.
• No Westerners have been kidnapped or murdered in their territory for, oh, ages. They decline to explain whether that's because virtually none have gone there.

I particularly enjoyed the video clips, especially the one where a little girl welcomes you to her homeland with an arty white-light-flooding effect that led TDS' Jon Stewart to suggest that she must be the one who had those pesky WMDs all along.

There's also lots of information on the unfortunate Kurds. Compared to being mustard-gassed by Saddam, having to attract tourists to their now-stable region is a cinch.

The establishment of a de facto independent Kurdistan is also a bitter reminder of how much more successfully the first Gulf War achieved its more modest aims, and sensibly limited Saddam's ability to harm his neighbours, than the current campaign, which just assumed a kind of Insta-Democracy would result.

So, if you're looking for a nice country to visit or do business, and can ignore its extreme proximity to the world's most dangerous non-Lebanese territory, do consider The Other Iraq!

Yeah, that slogan really doesn't work, does it. What about NotReallyIraq.com? Or TechnicallyIraqButSafe.com? Or my favourite - for the American market – ICantBelieveItsIraq.com?



Dominic Knight

Hey, Alleged Enemy Combatant's Dad!

Terry Hicks has controversially been nominated as Father of the Year by ACT Chief Minister Jon Stanhope. It's made headlines around the world. It's quite a sweet gesture, really – he's certainly been tireless in sticking up for his kid. And someone has to, because the Australian Government has disgraced itself by comparison with the Brits, who have already gotten all their people out of there.
But completely trivialising that serious issue, who are the other contenders who've distinguished themselves over the last 12 months?

• Tony Abbott – 4/1 (pending further DNA testing)
• Brad Pitt – 8/1 ('Most Overexposed' subcategory)
• Russell Crowe – 5000/1 (huge negative points for calling new baby Tennyson)
• Michael from BB06 – 5/1 (in 'Imaginary' subcategory for Reuben)
• Kevin Federline – 5/1 (on basis of quantity, not quality)
• Shane Warne – 3/1 (on basis of an even bigger quantity, potentially over 1000)

And our tip for winner:

• Hutton Gibson – 3/2 (still clearly his son Mel's biggest influence)

Photo: David Mariuz

Decommissioning the Thorpedo

Imagine you're Ian Thorpe. Imagine you've won more gold medals than any other Australian, ever. Imagine that swimming the 400m was so easy for you that you didn't even bother, choosing instead to compete in the tougher sprint disciplines where you didn't automatically win. Personally, I find this a bit difficult to imagine. But I'm willing to try.

Then imagine you were a millionaire, famous around much of the world, and had lots of other business and entertainment opportunities. And imagine you'd just moved to Hollywood, and were hanging out with lots of other famous mates like Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Could you be arsed getting up at the crack of dawn to go swimming? I know I couldn't.

The guy's got nothing left to prove in the sport, and he's still only 23. He spent most of his youth obsessively ploughing up and down a pool, so is there any wonder he wants to have a bit of fun now? It'd be one thing if it was a sport that's incredibly fun, like soccer or tennis, but competitive swimming is a lonely, repetitive boring sport. I imagine, it's not like I ever had the skill or inclination to try it.

What motivation is there? To be the best? To be the best of the best, even? Been there, done that. And all he got out of it was Undercover Angels.

He's even got a brand spanking new aquatic centre named after him. Already. What's he shooting for if he swims on, another one? He still holds three world records, and I can't imagine meeting the Prime Minister yet again is all that much of an incentive either.

And please, don't talk about doing it for your country. His country isn't the one that has to get up at the crack of dawn and do lap after lap. And it's pretty clear that we aren't doing that, given our general obesity problem.

Personally, I'd be living it up too. Maybe not in precisely the same way. Maybe not by developing my own range of pearl necklaces or modelling for Armani. But each to their own.

So Thorpey, put your ridiculously oversized flippers up and relax on that sofa. If you can be bothered turning up in Beijing for the 2008 Olympics, great. But that's two years away, and we know you've won gold after a relatively brief training period before. Up to you. We'll be here on our sofas if you ever want to get up off yours.

And everyone else, lay off the guy. He didn't ask to have the perfect body for swimming 400m races. Especially the media – there's been enough hype about him to last several lifetimes. We should give him a year off as well. Hearing about him has gotten more dull than the first 1450m of a 1500m race.

There's just one thing we ask of you, Thorpey, if we're to leave you in peace. Don't make another series of Undercover Angels.



Dominic Knight

Men who like women who like plasmas

I've never been able to understand the appeal of diamonds. Sure, they're beautiful, but for the price? Compared to, say, a holiday? But had steeled myself for the idea that someday, I will have to shell out a ridiculous amount of money on jewellery. So I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that three out of four US women say they'd prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace. You go, girls.

Those of you who might like to cynically pick apart surveys that achieve a result that's consistent with whatever the companies that commissioned them would want will note that it was released by Oxygen, a women's cable network in the US. I'm sure they were just delighted with the result, but wouldn't have manipulated the survey in any way to get it. Like only interviewing heavy-use subscribers, for instance,

Actually, I don't know that they would have had to manipulate the data all that much. Because the biggest source of bias to the survey, in fact, is how awesome Oxygen is. Who'd want a boring diamond necklace when they can watch a show where Fabio recruiting his beefcake successor for the cover of Harlequin romance novels? Especially when it's created by Gene Simmons!

Then there's a show where Shannen Doherty (an avowed expert in the area) helpfully breaks up with your partner for you, and a call-in show where "sex grandma" Sue Johanson answers your questions about "sex, love and everything in between". So really, this cable channel is far more essential than oxygen.

And before you think that my admiration of the world's leading women's TV channel makes me some kind of girly-man, check out Fight Girls, a reality show where 7 women compete for the World Thai Boxing Championship under the watchful eye of Muay Thai Master Toddy – check out the video clip, it looks awesome. Guys would find it unmissable.

Anyway – the broader point in the survey is that women are getting more into technology. This is great news, because it makes me feel like less of a freak for being obsessed with gadgets. I find it hard to believe that 86% of women would prefer a digital video camera to a new pair of shoes – feel free to correct me here, though – but it can only be good news for nerdy gentlemen. If women love gadgets too, then the traditional male justification for blowing money on technology ("but it's for us to share!") actually works. The time we spend mucking around with gadgets we find fun (my latest favourite: Foxtel IQ – The Daily Show every night!) suddenly becomes "us time".

So, who said geekboys were antisocial and couldn't relate to women? Now when a woman asks "Is that an iPod in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?", it's okay to pick the first option.



Dominic Knight

The anti-Semite doesn't fall far from the tree...

A contrite Mel Gibson has asked the Jewish community to help him heal both his hate-filled mind and his massive PR problem. He said "I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display". But I'm not sure the Anti-Defamation League necessarily needs to put a lot of time into helping him figure out the source. I've got a few thoughts, as a matter of fact. And so does Mel's Dad, Hutton Gibson. Here are some of them.

An overview excerpted from his Dad's Wikipedia entry:

Many of Hutton Gibson's beliefs and actions, including his promulgation of Holocaust revisionist theories, his association with known Holocaust revisionists and his contention that malevolent Jewish conspiracies exist within the Catholic Church and around the world, are consistent with traditional anti-Semitism. When Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (prior to becoming Pope) stated that, although Judaism did not accept Jesus, it was nevertheless the "elder brother" of Christianity, Gibson observed that Abel also had an elder brother. [5]

Echoing the claims of numerous other Holocaust deniers, he questions aspects of the Jewish Holocaust, especially the commonly accepted statistic that between five million to seven million Jews were killed, arguing that it would have been impossible for the Nazis to have disposed of so many bodies.[6] He further claims that most of the Holocaust was "fiction," [6] that the thousands of Jews who disappeared from Poland during World War II "got up and left",[6] and that census statistics prove there were more Jews in Europe after World War II than before (a claim that is disputed by mainstream historians).[7] In support of his father, Mel Gibson claims that his father's beliefs do not amount to Holocaust denial. (Mel Gibson also says that he will not speak out publicly against his father.)

Hutton Gibson publishes a quarterly newsletter called The War is Now! in which he details many of his views.

From a story from The Age in 2004:

A week before the United States release of Mel Gibson's controversial movie, The Passion of the Christ, the filmmaker's father has repeated claims the Holocaust was exaggerated.

Hutton Gibson's comments, made in a telephone interview with New York radio talk show host Steve Feuerstein, come at an awkward time for the actor-director who has been trying to deflect criticism from Jewish groups that his film might inflame anti-Semitic sentiment.

In his interview on WSNR radio's Speak Your Piece, to be broadcast on Monday, Hutton Gibson, argued that many European Jews counted as death camp victims of the Nazi regime had in fact fled to countries like Australia and the United States.

"It's all -- maybe not all fiction -- but most of it is," he said, adding that the gas chambers and crematoria at camps like Auschwitz would not have been capable of exterminating so many people.

"Do you know what it takes to get rid of a dead body? To cremate it?" he said. "It takes a litre of petrol and 20 minutes. Now, six million of them? They (the Germans) did not have the gas to do it. That's why they lost the war."

And here are a few more juicy quotes from Hutton Gibson in the interview with Feuerstein:



Regarding the gas chamber, the gas was going the wrong way. You see it was going down instead of up….

I don't know what their (the Jews) agenda is except that it's all about control. They're after one world religion and one world government. That's why they've attacked the Catholic Church so strongly, to ultimately take control over it by their doctrine and make one world religion and one world government.

They are the people with an eye for eye and tooth for a tooth. They must have revenge. You know they (the Jews) caused the Roman persecutions too. They called attention to the fact that the Christians were refusing to offer incense to the emperors when the emperors became gods. The Jews were notable for getting the wood to burn the Christians…a labor of love you could say.

They cannot admit that they were wrong. They have been at it for all of history. Is the Jew still actively anti-Christian - He is, for by being a Jew, he is anti everyone else.

The foreign bankers who run the international reserve like the Rothchilds and their allies in this country like the Rockerfellers who were Jews and others who own the money.

There are too many survivors. It's just a gimmick to collect money. They have to go where there is money... They have so much influence in the banks for instance They all look out for one another you got to give them that. They are at the same time willing to sacrifice a few of theirs if it helps… Why all the reparations? It's an irresistible chance to make money. All those Holocaust museums put up at our expense with our tax payer dollars.

This final quote from the BBC isn't about Jews, but it's so out there that it's worth including anyway:

Hutton Gibson is a Holocaust denier and has also made the claim that the 11 September tragedy was not the work of Al Qaeda and the planes "were crashed by remote control"

...

So, where does Mel's issue with Jews come from? I really hope he manages to somehow figure that out.



Dominic Knight



Photo: Kylie Melinda Smith

Mel's gone Hussein

Mel Gibson's careful efforts to play down the alleged anti-Semitism of his film The Passion of the Christ look a little futile now, don't they? The actor's reported racist tirade on Friday at Los Angeles police officers who arrested him for drink-driving will be extremely difficult to live down.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and no amount of PR spin will remove the impression that the police saw Mel Gibson as he really is. Perhaps, as his father once did with the Holocaust, he'd be better off pretending the whole thing didn't happen.
Reportedly among his paranoid accusations was that Jews were "responsible for all the wars in the world". Pretty hard to justify if you've ever heard of World War II. But such extreme prejudices are highly resistant to logic, not to mention tequila.
It's ironic that a group so victimised throughout human history has so often been accused of secretly running the world. Israel hasn't even been able to carve out a peaceful niche for itself in its rightful homeland, let alone sinisterly manipulate the course of global events.
Only the most feverish conspiracy theorists believe the world is run by Jews. However, no one can deny that Hollywood contains a significant proportion of Jewish studio heads, and this could make Gibson's career difficult.
At the very least, Gibson's actions will discredit a telemovie he's producing about Dutch Holocaust survivor Flory van Beek. Perhaps it will be axed in favour of another harrowing drama, where a Jewish person has to survive an encounter with a drunken Mel Gibson.
Bizarrely, he's also meant to be producing a movie about the Maccabees, an early Jewish group that led a Braveheart-style revolution. It's almost as if the guy lives in the past or something.
Gibson clearly has a major problem with both his drinking and his lunar-right-wing views.
He's also made bigoted comments about homosexuality, while Tom Cruise and John Travolta have been victimised because of their association with Scientology; Cruise because of his public endorsement, and Travolta because of Battlefield Earth.
And while hardly in the same league, the constant moralising of actors such as Sean Penn is also fairly annoying. Hollywood stars really should be seen and not heard.
Gibson's comments come at a time when many of us who aren't a few drinks away from a racist tirade are questioning our own feelings about Israel in light of its Lebanon campaign.
But they're probably also a welcome reminder that Jews are still so often the victims of hatred even in the so-called tolerant West. Gibson will pay a heavy penalty for his actions, and it seems appropriate that he pay an even heavier one for his words.

Read more of Dominic Knight on the Radar blog at www.radar.smh.com.au.
Two Photos: by AP/David Hernandez; AFP/Pool/Bob Strong

In politics, blandness is forever

So, John Howard's staying. I'm a little surprised, I thought he'd want to hand over the difficult task of winning a fifth election to the obvious fall guy that Peter Costello is, take a victory lap, and leave the party floundering. And it raises a truly terrifying prospect for those of us who wouldn't mind at least some variety after a decade of the Howard Government. What if Howard's formula of remaining leader "for as long as the party want me to" in fact amounts to forever?

As someone who makes a living by taking the complex, serious issues of politics and reducing them to a series of trivial jokes, the prospect of yet another Howard v Beazley contest fills me with dread. Not only have all the jokes been made before, but this pair must surely be the most bland politicians of their generation. Yes, including Philip Ruddock and Kevin Rudd. (Actually – how good would a Rudd v Ruddock campaign be? Imagine the massive voter confusion.) The thought of spending yet another year combing the minutiae of what these drab men do in the vain hope of finding anything amusing to say about it is a truly horrifying proposition.

It speaks volumes about our political apathy that Howard and Beazley have proven so enduring. Is it because they never surprise us? Is it because they tend not to infiltrate our consciousness much on any individual occasion, their featureless speeches blending into one dull morass? Or is it that our contempt for politicians is so great that the more the media's attention focusses on any one of them, the less we like them? By contrast, one-time media darlings Mark Latham and Natasha Stott-Despoja flared brightly but only lasted one campaign. Latham's burnout is still the last genuinely interesting thing to have happened in politics.

Kim Beazley has been around for decades, and led the party for most of one, and he still can't make a speech without sounding desperate, as if he is trying to assert the appearance of decisiveness and leadership and hoping no-one calls his bluff. When he tries to assert himself, to show ticker, he just sounds shrill and unconvincing. And really, how he can not have learned the art of concise sound bites in all this time is remarkable.

Whereas Howard has used his three decades in Parliament to become the grand master of relentlessly leaching controversy from every statement he makes. He's like an old-fashioned opener blocking every ball into the turf, never taking a run except on a fielding mistake by his opponents. In times of trouble, he is enormously reassuring because he is always exactly the same. But in terms of inspiring his party and nation, of getting the nation to buy into some overarching vision, he is always found wanting. (This may be because many of his visions are about tax and unpalatable IR reforms.) Howard is the leader for an age of terror, not an age of nation-building.

The same problem is endemic in State politics. Peter Beattie, Steve Bracks and Bob Carr have all won multiple elections with a dull but reliable approach, stifling every controversy and refusing to alienate the mainstream. It's hardly surprising more young people are interested in reading NW.

The one interesting aspect everyone's focussing on in all this, of course, is Peter Costello. He has far more flair than Howard, but also far more flaws. After his last round of petulance, he has adopted his leader's straight bat, knowing that he has to do that to have any chance of succeeding him now. He did the decent – well, only viable – thing and quickly followed Howard's announcement with his own commitment to hang around until a shock election loss or sheer inevitability makes him leader.

Perhaps they have finally concluded that long-overdue Kirribilli Agreement now? Costello has denied it, but it would have been a brilliant way to silence him. But the Deputy Leader would probably have agreed to anything just to keep the gig. He kicked the tyres on a challenge, and found he wouldn't get anywhere. The backbench must be looking almost as unattractive as being in the Democrats right now.

Who knows how long John Howard has in him? 5 years? 10? You'd be crazy to bet against him. So the only prospect of change – other than in the ALP, when Beazley finally retires after probably losing election #3 – is a rumour in Crikey today that Alexander Downer might be stepping aside if the Deputy Leader's position doesn't become vacant soon. Which means we may soon be deprived the one pollie who can still be relied on for an entertaining gaffe. Who'd have thought there was a way Australian politics could become even duller?

Let's completely legally trade our copyrighted KaZaA stories

I've just learned the most shocking thing. Apparently people have been using Kazaa – sorry, that's KaZaA – for downloading illegal music. And I really feel for parent company Sharman Networks on this one. They were just trying to make the world a better place. All they did was set up a perfectly innocent system that let people trade legal files by the enormous number of worthwhile recording artists who are happy to receive no payment for their work. And pirates went out and took advantage of their generosity. So now they have to pay US $100 million to the fatcat recording companies. Honestly, where's the justice?

It's almost as unfair as nasty 'privacy' experts naming the helpful software they bundle with it as spyware.

And sure, you might cynically allege that Sharman's software is so dodgy they can't even distribute it in its home market of Australia due to a court order (try to download it and you'll see). You might argue that they saw a niche after Napster was shut down and cynically exploited it to earn millions by hiding dodgy software on their users' computers. But that would be nasty of you. Not as nasty as profiteering from a massive international network trading in stolen music, of course. Hypothetically.

I'm just glad my friends at Sharman happened to have $100 million lying around that they could use to settle with the record companies. Wow, there's a lot of money in facilitating completely legal file sharing, wouldn't you say?

Like Napster, they will now become a legal download service. So everyone will be happy – except the pirates who will suffer the minor inconvenience of having to use a slightly different filesharing system.

There aren't many bonzer Aussie software companies, so I reckon we should look after the ones we've got. You know, Advance Australia Filesharing and all that. So I want to help clear KaZaA's name, and reverse this unfair perception that it was all a front for piracy. Post-Napster, it was the net's biggest file-sharing service for some time, so there must be some readers who used the software before it was blocked. So tell us – what stuff did you download? How successfully did you resist the temptation to download free music from the world's best known performers when there was legal music by artists you'd never heard of on offer?

I have every confidence that our anonymous stories of KaZaA usage will be overwhelmingly honest, and prove once and for all that no-one used this system in any dodgy way whatsoever. Let justice be served.



Dominic Knight

PS I've copied the KaZaA logo here without their permission. I hope they aren't too annoyed. After all, as the page says, "Sharman Networks Ltd does not condone activities and actions that breach the rights of copyright owners".

A column about war

The perennial conflict in the Middle East always seems so far away. The ancient, bombing-riven desert landscape that we see on the news bears more in common with George Lucas’ fictional Star Wars landscape of Tattooine than the comfortable, urbanised Sydney we live in. Even further away for us predominantly secular Australians is the mindset that has fuelled this conflict. It’s hard to relate to bearing a massive grievances on the basis of territory and past conflicts. Most Australians only get fired up about land ownership issues at home auctions.

It’s even harder to imagine being willing to die for your religion. You’d have to imagine Hillsong Church’s huge numbers would drop away pretty quickly if they started asking their members to destroy themselves in a rain of holy fire rather than clap their hands and sing uplifting songs.

Most Aussies simply can’t understand why they can’t all sit down and work things out without avoiding such a fuss. Our solution would be for both parties to sit down, and maybe have a barbeque together. Everyone in the Middle East, Jewish or Muslim, loves barbequed meat, and no-one eats pork, so the catering would be simple. It’d be a whole lot better than the current situation, where everyone’s trying to barbeque each other.

But as we’ve seen this week, this conflict isn’t far away at all. Thousands of Australians were stuck in Lebanon needing urgent evacuations. And thouseands more numbers took to the streets last weekend to march against Israel’s bombing campaign. And Asaf Namer, a young Sydney man who had volunteered for the Israeli Army, was killed by Hezbollah in southern Lebanon last Wednesday. I know people who knew him at high school. In this increasingly interconnected world, we’re never more than a few connections from any crisis. As reluctant as I am to admit it, that loathesome Will Smith movie Six Degrees of Separation has a point.

No-one is without blame in this conflict. Lebanon has Hezbollah as part of its government, which was always likely to bring it into conflict with the terrorist group’s sworn enemy, Israel. Virtually all impartial observers agree that Israel has massively overreacted in the current campaign, and the Jewish state has alienated many supporters because of the high number of civilian casualties. Syria and Iran are connected with Hezbollah, and America’s Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s attempt to negotiate a ceasefire was laughable when her country had sold Israel a load of bombs only a few days earlier.

It’s hard to imagine anything we Australians would less like to do than get involved in a peacekeeping effort in Lebanon. Alexander Downer described the idea as “suicide”. But it’s hard to know what else we can do, because we can no longer trust anyone actually involved in the conflict to even try to resolve it.

The reality is that we as a nation already are involved. The war has dragged all of us into it to a certain degree. Israel has tried to teach Hezbollah the lesson that if it hurts Israel, the reaction will be dramatic. We need to teach Israel that if it hurts innocent civilians, our reaction will also be substantial.

John Howard said that an international deployment would need to be massive to succeed – 10,000 or more. But is there any way? International aggressors must learn that if they kill civilians, the world community’s reaction will be massive in both military and economic terms. It needs to be so inevitable that leaders are discouraged from acting by the inevitability of a fierce response. If they know they cannot achieve their aims (and really, someone should have pointed this out to new-boy Ehud Olmert), the point of a protracted campaign becomes more elusive.

As the world has shrunk, we were supposed to become friends and stop killing each other. We haven’t. Instead, one group of our friends – and more significantly, one country in which many of our compatriots hold dual citizenship – is killing another. Intervening will be highly dangerous and unpleasant. But less so, ultimately than allowing this situation to continue. The only thing you can predict in the Middle East is that the conflict simply won’t ever stop while the region is drawn up with the current parameters. So it will simply have to be stopped instead.