Britney baby one more time

Well, having already broken the first one, Britney is apparently once more with child. Rumour has it. Oh, and I didn’t think of that headline, by the way, I ripped it off the London Free Press. I also quite like The Sun’s “Oops, I Dad It Again”, referring to Kevin Federline, who – if this is true – will be up to baby number 4. What a pity his remarkable sexual potency hasn’t translated to his rapping.

I’m a little offended, to be perfectly honest, that I haven’t heard about this from Kevin Federline personally. He’s a personal friend of mine. Well, not exactly – he added me to his friends on his MySpace page, which I’ve long believed is the funniest site on the net. That said, his latest “jam” isn’t actually that bad, at least compared to PoPoZau or whatever his appalling first single was called. It consists mainly of singing “Kevin Federline” over sirens, presumably coming to arrest Britney for driving with the baby on her lap.

Some of his fans are into it, though. As one of them said, “damn k-fed, your shit is tight. keep makin music 4-eva”. Quite.

Poor Britney. Not only is she married to this chump (that’s a technical rap term meaning “moron”, by the way), but she now can’t even make FHM’s hottest 100 list a mere two years after she topped it, as the sympathetic Sun explains.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted by how funny I find Kevin Federline, when I’m supposed to be writing about how funny I find Britney. (It seems being a laughing stock is sexually transmitted.) So here’s a quick roundup of the Britney baby rumours doing the rounds right now:

  • The rumours started when she looked big in a bikini while on holiday in Hawaii.
  • And she’s now been spotted shopping for baby clothes.
  • And avoiding sushi, which is absolutely tell-tale sign that she’s up the duff. (Or just doesn’t like raw fish.)
  • But it’s been confirmed exclusively by “a source close to the family”. Though not close enough to give their name.
  • And also by her “pals“. I’d say that’s conclusive.
  • For some scurrilous gossip rags, this is old news because she was throwing up and had stomach cramps in February. For sure.
  • Her agent was shocked by the revelation.
  • And it’s putting pressure on her marriage. Which isn’t hard, judging by the constant impending-divorce rumours.
  • And led her to fire 4 minders.
  • K-Fed hasn’t exactly denied it, but has said he “wouldn’t bet” on it. But this may be because he doesn’t have any money of his own.
  • There will be a press conference on Thursday where it’s suspected she’ll confirm it.
  • It’s great news for a tacky, pro-life sculptor, as it may open the door to a second sculpture like this one.
  • Interestingly, according to a popular book, she’s also a three-headed alien.

But my favourite take on the whole thing, as is often the case, comes from Defamer, which writes “World Surprised It Took Britney Spears This Long To Get Knocked Up Again”

There’s been no official confirmation of the story, and K-Fed came close to denying it. Not that he has any connection with reality whatsoever, though. So – is Britney pregnant with baby #2?

Really, who cares?

But it’s fun to gossip, so start your own rumour below. That way NW can reprint it with the words “according to the Sydney Morning Herald“, without clarifying that it was actually a commenter on a blog. Bet you it works.

Dominic Knight

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