Gratuitous Suri Cruise rumours

So, Suri’s finally showed her remarkably tousled head, with photos in Vanity Fair. This was supposed to quieten down the rumour that she didn’t exist, but all it’s done is spark a whole new set of rumours. I’ve catalogued some just so we can all be appalled by how unfair they are.

Of course, if anyone litigious and connected with the Cruise-Holmes family happens to read this, let’s be very clear that I am appalled by these very suggestions, and wholeheartedly endorse everything Tom Cruise has ever said. Well, except for the Scientology stuff. And MI:III being a great film.

1) Suri has an Asian ancestor. This one’s all over the internet. This particular version is from a Chinese newspaper, no less. I could’ve gone to the source, but I thought the Chinese writeup was more amusing:

According to, website Jossip cheekily wonders whether or not Suri’s delicate, almond-shaped eyes, the milky, pale-ish skin tone, the striking mane of dark, dark hair will lead to an article in Vanity Fair magazine as to why the tiny tot”has Lucy Liu’s eyes”in “six years”.

Hate to say it, I reckon Suri looks sufficiently like Tom and Katie for that not to be true. Although it’d be awesome if the baby was actually adopted from China. And even more awesome if it’s real mum was Lucy Liu. Who knows – Xenu works in mysterious ways…

2) Jamie Foxx is Suri’s godfather. Of course not, because a) Scientologists don’t believe in God, and b) Jamie Foxx isn’t one? As if they’d want a non-Scientologist to oversee Suri’s spiritual development. C’mon people.

3) Suri didn’t exist – as rebutted by the photos. I’ve got to include this for posterity, just to showcase the bizarreness surrounding Cruise, and the florid speculation that she didn’t exist. Apparently there’s a Scientological dictum that babies should be cocooned from the world to avoid corruption. Let me get this straight – that wacky unhinged actor guy who jumped on the couch was an after case for Dianetics, yeah; not a before case?

4) The couple’s friends hadn’t met her. Including fellow Scientologists John Travolta and Kelly Preston, apparently. Well, fair enough. Same religion or not, I wouldn’t want anyone involved in Battlefield Earth corrupting my child.

5) Cruise ate the placenta and umbilical cord. And, some had speculated, the whole baby…

Lies, all lies. Add your own below so Tom Cruise can sue you, as well.

Dominic Knight

Images:, presumably from Vanity Fair

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