It’s great that Australia’s in the World Cup, but it will come at a terrible price to our body clocks. Hardcore soccer fans have always stayed up into the painful, wee hours of the night to watch the world game, but for many Australians, this will be the first time they’ve regularly gotten up at ridiculous times just to stare at a bunch of guys passing a ball. Here are some tips on how you can stay awake throughout Germany 2006.
Adjust your body clock. The simplest way to enjoy the Cup is to adjust your body clock so you sleep during the day. Your work performance may be detrimentally affected if you choose to take your regular 8 hours between 9am and 5pm, but it’ll be worth it to enjoy football’s month of months. Some say that taking melatonin helps, but there’s an easier way. When it’s time for you to force your body to go to sleep, simply read one of the collected speeches of Phillip Ruddock, and you’ll be dozing before you can say “Amnesty badge”. I’ve put a sample at the end of the article, because I want you to finish reading all of my suggestions before you go to sleep right here and now. Caution it’s a powerful sedative.
Make your body think it’s in Germany. A similar process, but conducted using cultural triggers rather than adjusting the body clock. Simply don lederhosen for the next four weeks, eat schnitzel and schnapps, yodel whenever possible and speak only in obtuse compound nouns. Then you will find you truly become a personthebodyofwhomshallhavebeensuccessfullyconvincedthatitisindeedingermanythroughout-
thetwothousandandsixfifaworldcup, to literally translate the German noun that was coined specially for the occasion.
Drink energy drinks. Red Bull, V and Sprite Recharge aren’t bad, but you’ll need more than that after a couple of nights. That’s where an intravenous adrenaline drip comes in. It really is the ultimate energy drink!
Have friends over to watch the games. Make sure they are extremely interesting, have more energy than you and aren’t afraid to prod you if you seem to be dozing off. But on no account invite over Phillip Ruddock (see below.)
Get on the phone. If you’re too pathetic to have friends who’ll watch the football with you, you still need not watch the game alone! And talking will help you stay awake. But don’t wake up anyone in Australia who might not be interested in the game. Germany is a very hospitable country. Just dial any random number and chat away while you both watch the game. It’s the least they can do as official hosts of the World Cup. But don’t on any account call anyone in France, though, lest you be forced to spend 45 minutes discussing how they would definitely be winning if Djibril Cissé hadn’t been injured – which anyone who’s watched Liverpool during the past few seasons will recognise as a ridiculous notion.
Apply pain to your body. As even the most humble trainee guard at Guantanamo Bay knows, it’s very hard for people to sleep while they’re experiencing excruciating pain. So simply apply a nipple clamp during the game. If you don’t have one, you can alternatively put a staple into your bottom. This won’t be necessary when watching the Socceroos, when Australian fans will feel indescribable agony whenever Mark Viduka has the ball in what for other players would be a scoring position.
Go out to a pub that’s screening it. Visit a backpacker pub in particular, and you’ll find you won’t be able to go to sleep during the game. However you will be able to sleep with a backpacker that you’ll regret hooking up with in the morning, so please be careful.
Play loud music. If you play dodgy techno at high volumes, your body will involuntary twitch, as if it was in the gym, generating the energy you need to stay awake. As an added bonus, the atmosphere created by the crap Euro house music will make you feel like you’re really in Germany. In 1991.
Swap your armchair for a unicycle. As any circus clown or indeed person familiar with gravity knows, you can’t stay still on a unicycle. You have to pedal backwards and forwards, which will keep you awake. And if you drift off all the same, the pain from your collision with the floor and mangled unicycle will wake you back up again immediately.
Fly to Germany. If you are actually in the host nation, the time zone and general excitement will keep you awake. But don’t wait – leave today. Guus Hiddink has until Saturday to finalise his team, and there’s no way you won’t be able to slot in at the last minute to take the penalties ahead of Mark Viduka. No experience required – his hasn’t exactly helped.
WARNING – Transcript of Phillip Ruddock speech.
Beware, the following WILL put you to sleep. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading the following paragraphs. In particular, if you care to leave a comment thanking me for these helpful tips, please do so before embarking upon the following speech.
Welcome to the launch of the Critical Infrastructure Protection Modelling and Analysis Program – or as it is will be more commonly referred to ‘CIPMA’.
2. CIPMA is important for a number of reasons.
– It recognises that our critical infrastructure is complex and inter-related and vital to the well-being of our economy and society.
– It is a strong and practical example of business and government working together to protect our critical infrastructure from all hazards – including crime, natural disasters and terrorism.
– And it puts Australia firmly at the forefront of critical infrastructure planning and analysis.
3. But most all – CIPMA is important because it represents the next step in the genuine partnership between business and government to protect our critical infrastructure.
4. To date, much of the critical infrastructure protection effort has focussed on the immediate tasks of identifying where threats or vulnerabilities exist and acting quickly to address them. This work continues to be important – but it is only part of the critical infrastructure protection equation.
5. Apart from identifying and rectifying weaknesses, we also need to understand how the different pieces of the critical infrastructure jigsaw fit together. Once armed with this knowledge, we then need to plan accordingly.
6. Quite clearly, the time is right to advance a more strategic, long term and sophisticated approach to the protection of our critical infrastructure.
7. This is where CIPMA comes to the fore.
– CIPMA will help us understand what parts of critical infrastructure are most important.
– It will help us to identify areas of greatest risk.
– It will help us gauge what the flow on effects will be if one part of our critical infrastructure is compromised – And it will help us assess which critical infrastructure relationships are strong and to pinpoint those relationships that need reinforcing.
8. These new insights will feed directly into the decision making processes of both businesses and governments.
9. CIPMA will offer new solutions. It will identify better courses of action. And it will guide investment, risk management and business continuity strategies.
10. In essence, CIPMA will contribute to more targeted, cost efficient and critical infrastructure protection policies.
And ultimately it will ensure our critical infrastructure is better protected.
11. To say that we live in a complex world and that we need to understand the dependencies and inter-dependencies that exist is almost stating the obvious in a gathering of industry and research representatives such as the one we have here today.
12. But to ensure that understanding flows from the top to the bottom of government and private companies requires the cooperation and input of all those involved.
13. Business and government share a vested interest in the insights CIPMA offers – but CIPMA could not exist without the input and cooperation of both parties.
– Industry has the raw data that the model needs.
– The Government has the capability and the security guarantees needed to turn that data into meaningful output.
14. CIPMA represents yet another example of what can be achieved when business and government work together in the national interest. It is a testament to the effectiveness of the Trusted Information Sharing Network (TISN) and the goodwill, mutual trust and productive partnerships it is fostering.
15. Over the past three years the TISN has succeeded in bringing business and government together.
Once again it has played a key role in bringing together all those involved in CIPMA.
Scope of CIPMA
16. Initially CIPMA will focus on three hig h priority sectors – energy, communications, and banking and finance.
17. We have with us today leading industry representatives from these sectors. I would like to congratulate Keith Orchison, Bill Davey, and John Guerts for their roles in the TISN and for their commitment to CIPMA.
18. The success of CIPMA depends on industry input. The support you have shown, and the support of your sector has been integral to getting us to this stage.
19. I know from an industry perspective, confidentiality of data is paramount. I want to assure you the Australian Government fully appreciates your concerns.
20. I think you can see – from the lengths we have gone to with the secure facility and from the security restrictions surrounding this program – just how seriously we are treating the integrity and confidentiality of the information you have entrusted us with.
21. I would also make mention of those government agencies that have made such a vital contribution to this project.
CSIRO and Geoscience Australia, led by the Attorney-General’s Department, have established a formidable development team. And the Defence and Science Technology Organisation is also offering assistance to the CSIRO on specific aspects of the capability.
Collaboration with the United States
22. Earlier this afternoon I was shown around the secure facility that houses CIPMA.
I was very impressed with what I saw. Without doubt, Australia has now become a world leader in detailed critical infrastructure modelling and analysis.
23. Many of you would be aware that the United States is also working on its own critical infrastructure modelling program. Plans are well underway for Australia and the US to cooperate on this type of work in future. And I understand the US is very impressed with the detailed scale of the CIPMA model.
24. This recognition is another example of the high esteem with which Australia is held in the international community.
– Our research and increased capability will ensure we continue to be at the forefront of critical infrastructure protection and security issues.
– And it reinforces the point that a Homeland Security type Department in itself is not a panacea for achieving cooperation between government agencies to ensure an effective approach to national security issues.
25. As I said earlier, we do live in a world where relationships get more complex and more inter-dependant every day.
26. CIPMA will help to build a more complete picture of the complexities and inter-dependencies that lie below the surface of our critical infrastructure. It is a challenging technical and intellectual exercise which will guide policy and decision making and ultimately deliver real world benefits for all Australians.
27. We are entering a new, exciting and sophisticated phase of critical infrastructure protection planning in Australia.
I offer my congratulations to all those associated with CIPMA and I eagerly await the first round of outcomes from the modelling and analysis capability.