Some things are destined to go together, like meat pies and sauce, or pokies and misery. Some things are so closely connected that it’s even hard to think of one without the other, like Boonie and his moustache, or Elvis and cheeseburgers, or André Rieu and nausea.
In the same way, billionaires and supermodels are drawn inexorably to one another, much as the media is drawn inexorably to another billionaire, Clive Palmer. Some billionaires get supermodels, while others get hundreds of animatronic dinosaurs – and I think it’s clear which offers the more fulfilling relationship.
So it made all kinds of sense when I read that James Packer was dating Miranda Kerr. It might just be the perfect match. After all, they undoubtedly have a great many interests in common, like Miranda Kerr, bikinis, and Miranda Kerr in bikinis.
He’s not alone, of course – putting the phrase “Miranda Kerr bikini” into Google gets an astonishing 68 million results, and researching this article is definitely the first time I’ve ever looked up that phrase.
And as for the other pix of Miranda that come up in Google image search, let’s just say that Victoria evidently didn’t have much luck keeping that Secret of hers.
The new lovebirds have the town of Gunnedah in common too, of course. I mean, in James’ case, it’s because his now-ex-wife also comes from there, but still, I’m sure it gives them something to talk about now, and will enable him to continue his begrudging in-law visits into the future.
Plus they both have – sorry, had young families, and now have fragments of young families.
Not that I’m excessively worried about the feelings of Erica and Orlando, who will undoubtedly be just fine – financially, at least. While I’ve never married a billionaire or a supermodel, I doubt that if the opportunity arose, I’d be expecting the relationship to last forever.
Of course, James Packer may not be dating Miranda Kerr. The reports may simply be scandalous scuttlebutt. But we surely cannot doubt that James is a Miranda Kerr-dating kind of a guy. His dating strategy can be summarised as Australia’s Last Top Model. The man updates his models almost as frequently as Apple.
Now let me pause for a moment to say what an absolutely fantastic bloke James Packer is. I feel I should clarify this, because whenever his business dealings are discussed, lots of media people who are far older and wiser than me seem to go out of their way to mention their close personal friendship with and respect for the guy and how they went to one of his weddings and dandled him on their knee and suchlike.
So let me definitively state that I haven’t got a bad word to say about the guy. In fact, he’s probably one of the most upstanding casino proprietors on the planet.
I’ve always had a bit of sympathy for James, in all honestly, because any bloke whose dad tried to toughen him up by buying a bowling machine and making him face 110mph full-paced deliveries deserves a break in life.
Although he did get that break some years ago, when his father didn’t instantly garrotte him for losing all that money on One.Tel. Had he not been Kerry Packer’s son, let’s just say the famous phrase “bottom of the harbour scheme” might have had a more sinister implication.
But what’s in it for Miranda, besides the billions and guaranteed entry to a forthcoming VIP-only casino she would have gotten into anyway? Some have expressed their shock that Kerr would swap a pretty thing like Orlando Bloom for a fellow who was, being charitable, not exactly in contention to play the yummiest of all the elves in Lord of the Rings.
Well, she doesn’t need money, but she might like the idea of lots and lots of money. And besides, James Packer is probably a charismatic, fun guy, the way you can be if you have a massive stash of cash.
And that’s the thing about coming from a family like the Packers – James is the kind of guy who’s always known precisely which side his bread is buttered on, eaten it and then asked for seconds.
Miranda Kerr dating James Packer seems as much an example of the natural order of things as, say, James Packer getting planning approval for his casinos. Because anyone who’s spent any time in a casino knows that the house always wins. And in particular, the House of Packer is not often known to lose.
I would wish James and Miranda every happiness if they didn’t probably already have it, according to their own terms. James gets to date a woman whose beauty is world-renowned, even if her “difficult reputation” is too. And Miranda gets a guy who… owns stuff, and will undoubtedly go on to… own more stuff.
Which is a fine thing if you like… stuff.
So here’s to James, Miranda, her looks and his stuff. A lasting, loving relationship isn’t easy to find in this world. And if yours proves not to be one, breaking up and dating someone hot and/or rich instead is certainly a popular substitute.