JK, you’re killing us

So, J.K. Rowling has revealed that two characters will die in the final Harry Potter novel, sparking off the now-traditional speculation over exactly who she’s killing off. A third has been saved the chop, apparently. It’s all very dull to the non-believers, I’m sure. But as a paid-up Potter nerd – yeah, I’m quite the hipster – I can’t resist speculating on who’s getting the axe.

Voldemort: Well, either he dies or takes over the world and kills everyone. Which would make for a much more entertaining movie. Evens

Ron Weasley: A tragedy for book fans, a blessed relief for movie viewers. Although the overacting that would be involved in his demise has me terrified already. 40–1

Nearly-Headless Nick: It’s a shame he’s already a ghost, because it’d be fantastic to know John Cleese could never come back. Impossible

Luna Lovegood: The Athena Starwoman of the series should have been offed two books ago, before the joke got old. 10–1

Ginny Weasley: Dumped by Harry so she wouldn’t be killed – a far better breakup line than “It’s not you, it’s me.” 50–1

Dobby the house-elf: The Jar-Jar Binks of the series, and the character I’d most like to see killed. 100–1

Draco Malfoy: I’d like to see him offed, just to upset all the teenage girls who think Tom Felton’s hot. 25–1

Professor Dumbledore: Already dead, but I wanted to include him just to spoil it for everyone who hasn’t read book 6 yet. Get with the programme, people! Impossible

Cho Chang: Rowling’s far too politically correct to kill her token Asian character. 200–1

A waste of space for several books now. And a lot of space at that. 5–1

Hermione Granger: As irritating as she is, she can’t be killed, or the old men in dirty raincoats won’t stump up for the movie. 100–1

Harry Potter
(TM): The subject of much speculation, but JK Rowling won’t kill him off. The action figurine manufacturers wouldn’t let her. 1000–1

Dominic Knight

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