Patch things up the Simone Warne way!

Well, here’s a little internet gem for a Thursday afternoon. The inexplicably popular Simone Warne has released a bunch of helpful renovation hints, giving a wonderful history of her and Shane’s successes in fixing up a number of homes. If only they’d had more luck in papering over the cracks in their relationship. Then again, if they hadn’t split, no-one would be bothering to ask for Simone’s thoughts on renovation.

It’s the little details I really appreciate, though. Simone’s just put so much thought into coming up with tips that can be applied to our houses. Like these:
His mum came across this great little cream brick place in Brighton East, Melbourne… It had probably never actually had any work done before and even had the original 1950s “Happy Days” style kitchen. We completely gutted it and added a family room, kitchen and a garage. We redid the bathroom, painted it on the inside and rendered it on the outside, then fitted it out with furnishings.
So helpful. If you are looking to fit out your bathroom, I, like Simone, recommend the use of “furnishings” as well.
But that’s just the first house. Soon, the young couple started to get rich. So it was time to move upmarket.
Then when I got pregnant with our first child we decided it was time to move – we were after something a bit bigger… We completely gutted downstairs, putting in a billiards room, new kitchen and family room… We added an ensuite upstairs for us and a couple of extra bathrooms for the kids. This time we decided to move out while the renovations were taking place – we lived for a while in the Crown Casino…
All you need is Kerry Packer for a mate so you can shack up at Crown, and it’s easy!
But now “they’ve” got a really palatial third house. (Or, to be more specific, she does). But this famously cheated-on lady isn’t sitting back passively. No, she’s quite the feminist warrior, challenging gender stereotypes about the traditional role of women:
My favourite room in this house is the kitchen though. I love the way it’s so open and light – it brings light into the rest of the home as well. Every time someone comes over we’re always in the kitchen.
But all is not perfect chez Simone. All that money (“We’ve got six bedrooms, a tennis court, a beautiful garden and a pool…”) and yet things still aren’t quite right:
The only thing that doesn’t really work about this house is the driveway. We have a three car garage but it’s only a single driveway. So if you park your car behind someone else it can be a pain if they want to get out.
Lucky Shane’s left, really, isn’t it?
Simone’s column continues next month, and I for one can’t wait to see what additional secrets she reveals. Perhaps a column that wasn’t evidently tossed off with a ghostwriter in about five minutes. And perhaps one that might contain some actual tips, or that might be applicable to those of her readers who aren’t fabulously wealthy.
But that’s not what’s important. Isn’t she just great for going out there and doing all this stuff after Shane humiliated her? Well, I would too if someone waved fat cheques in my face for putting out half-assed guff like this.