Shut up for the Socceroos

Noel Gallagher  175935M
Look, I haven’t always been huge on the Socceroos. Mark Viduka, for instance, becomes worse than useless whenever he dons an Australian uniform. But none of us should stand by while our team, who performed so well in Germany, nearly beating the then world champs and fully deserving to beat the mob that went on to win the thing, is abused by Noel Gallagher, the man who is responsible for ‘Whatever‘.

I used to love Oasis. I bought Definitely Maybe on a trip to the UK right after doing the HSC, and it became an instant favourite. ‘Supersonic’ and ‘Live Forever’ are great songs. But then the band faded into cocaine-fuelled, self-indulgent Beatles pastiche with its second album, What’s The Story (Morning Glory), and has then spent the following decade trying to recapture the ‘magic’ of that bygone era – which seems far from magic ten years later.

In short, they’re a bunch of has-beens (and no, I don’t care that their last album was hailed as a return to form – it was a return to the era when they were slightly less crap than they have been for the past decade), and Noel Gallagher, one of the most self-indulgent musical hacks on the planet, who’s been in trouble countless times for plagiarising rock classics and saying moronically arrogant things about his joke of a band, has no place criticising anyone.

Let’s look at Gallagher’s specific allegations against our boys in green and gold, then, shall we?

“Football is the game of the intelligentsia and you are shit at it.”

Intelligentsia? Not if Noel Gallagher’s a big football fan, surely.

And we are objectively not “shit” at it, at least at the moment. At the World Cup, after performing creditably against Japan, Asia’s top team; Brazil, the #1-ranked team in the world; and Croatia, we made the final 16. We were unlucky not to beat Italy, and based on their game would have smashed Ukraine, meaning we probably would have made the semis without that famous Italian dive.

Then there was that 3-1 victory over England in 2003. Perhaps we should send him the DVD?

“You will never win anything so give it up.”

Excuse me, Mr Gallagher, but we’ve won 4 out of the 7 Oceania Nations Cups since 1973. Okay, so it’s world football’s weakest region by far, so that number is actually embarrassing because it should have been 7. But we do win “anything”.

Besides, England haven’t even reached the final of a major tournament since 1966. The Socceroos impressed far more commentators than the overpaid, disappointing England squad did in Germany. And we’re a strong contender for next year’s Asian Cup, having qualified first.

“I don’t know, there is something about [Tim Cahill]. I would love to kick him right in the bollocks.”

I’d love to kick Noel Gallagher in the head, but that doesn’t make him a bad musician. (It’s his songs that do that.) Cahill is one of the top 50 players in Europe, based on his recent Ballon d’Or nomination. Look at the amazing goal he scored on the weekend, if you want to know why.

“Don’t you find [Cahill’s] face really slapable? I can assure you, lots of people in England do.”

Given his own altercations with brother Liam, I can only imagine that wanting to get into a fight with Cahill actually means that Gallagher wants to form a best-selling but ultimately rubbish band with him.

“Socceroos … Do me a f—ing favour, you could come up with a better nickname than that”

OK, fair point.

And what of Oasis’ own work? Not only are their songs generally turgid, dull and simplistic, but over the years, Oasis have produced some of the poorest lyrics in pop music history. I’ve always despised the lyrics of ‘Wonderwall’ – check the subtle variations here:

Verse 1

Today is gonna be the day

That they’re gonna throw it back to you

By now you should’ve somehow

Realized what you gotta do

Verse 2

Today was gonna be the day

But they’ll never throw it back to you

By now you should’ve somehow

Realized what you’re not to do

Oh, how cleverly he turned that around! Then there’s ‘D’you Know What I Mean?’, with its extremely inventive chorus:

All my people right here, right now

D’You Know What I Mean?

All my people right here, right now

D’You Know What I Mean?

All my people right here, right now

D’You Know What I Mean?

Yeah, yeah

But this is still better than when the band tries to get poetic, as in the verse lyrics:

I don’t really care for what you believe

So open up your fist or you won’t receive

The thoughts and the words of every man you’ll need

Get up off the floor and believe in life

No-one’s ever gonna ever ask you twice

Get on the bus and bring it on home to me

Finally, let’s look at a single off their last album, ‘Lyla’ – one lazy syllable different from ‘Layla’, of course. (Listen here, it’s awful):

She believes in everything

And everyone and you and yours and mine

I’ve waited for a thousand years

For you to come and blow me out my mind

Hey, Lyla

The stars are about to fall

So what d’you say, Lyla

The world around us makes me feel so small, Lyla

If you can’t hear me call then I can say, Lyla

Heaven’ll help you catch me if I fall

All I can say is that even if the Socceroos are “@#*!”, as the SMH put it, Oasis are a great deal @#*!tter.

Dominic Knight