We’re gonna fight for Corey’s right to party

When it comes to news, it’s still very much the silly season. Which means that many stories are getting more coverage than they really deserve. And there’s no better example of that than the hilarious tale of Corey Delaney, the kid whose party was publicised on MySpace, and got hundreds of gatecrashers, including dozens of police and a helicopter. In a taxi yesterday, I endured some talkback host whingeing about the kid’s “uncontrollable” antics for a solid 15 minutes.
But in the midst of the avalanche of words he let loose on poor Corey, he missed perhaps the most important one. And that is "congratulations". Because the wanton destruction, massive police presence, parental fury and massive damage bill tell me one thing. It must have been one heckuva party.

Sure, it was a bit of a naive mistake to put the details on the internet. Especially as the same thing happened only last year, and was reported almost as widely as Coreygate. And you have to ask yourself what kind of loser would turn up to the party of a guy they’d never heard of, just because it was on MySpace. (For one thing, all the cool parties are on Facebook nowadays, don’t you know?)
But it’s not exactly his fault. The internet is full of things whose importance is amplified by people forwarding them on because they’re bored – take those Chuck Norris facts, for instance, whose bizarre popularity was so great that a US presidential candidate tried to cash in on it. Corey’s massive social success is just one of those random internet things, like the popularity of Mahir.
So why should the kid have to pay for the police presence, as has been suggested? What are the police for, if not turning up to parties to ruin them? During my university days, which weren’t exactly wild, the local constabulary seemed to spend every single Saturday night wandering from terrace to terrace, delighting in spoiling everyone’s fun.
It’s ridiculous – as far as I’m concerned – that anyone who moves a stone’s throw from Sydney University automatically consents to having students playing Cure albums at full volume at 2am. The same applies here. If Corey’s neighbours couldn’t sleep, for goodness’ sake, they should have come and had a warm VB with their neighbours for half an hour or so before they passed out. That way there would have been some adult supervision. And if they really couldn’t sleep, I humbly suggest that the police helicopter might have had more to do with it than a bunch of unruly teenagers.
Anyone guilty of vandalism should have to pay to repair the damage, of course. And it should be easy to locate them via their MySpace profiles, shouldn’t it? If anyone is going to have to pay for the cops, it should be the people who called them, surely. I don’t want to trivialise something that was probably a bit concerning if you lived next door, but for goodness’ sake, lighten up. Being irresponsible is what teenagers do.
But if the kid’s really going to be left with a bill, then the solution couldn’t be simpler. He just needs to sell the movie rights. The story already resembles the plot of a dozen ’80s teen comedies. MySpace adds something of a modern twist – well, a 2006 twist to be precise – but otherwise the plot is the same. Kid throws party when he’s not allowed to, too many people show up, and he has to try and stop his parents finding out. Of course they do, when it becomes a national media story.
It’s like so many ironically wonderful movies – many of them directed by John Hughes, like Sixteen Candles andWeird Science – and the list goes on. And in this real-life situation, so many of the stock characters are there already. There’s the cool slacker hero – to cap it off, his name is Corey, for goodness’ sake.
Could this story get any more ’80s-retro? And Delaney sounds like an invented ’80s surname too. What’s more, his actual dialogue is already brilliantly reminiscent of Bill and Ted at their finest: “We warned them, we said the party would be finished at like 12(am) and they were like ‘sweet, sweet, sweet’, but then they called the cops anyway, so we were like ‘oh, damn’.”
Then we have the long-suffering parents, who pull their hair out and frown a lot. Here’s Corey’s dad, Steve: “[I] just can’t believe what’s happened. Our son has gone totally behind our back … So embarrassed for our neighbourhood. Just can’t believe what they must have gone through.”
Then you have the killjoy villain, in this case played by Police Commissioner, Christine Nixon: “I have a word [of advice] for young people who are having those kind of parties – don’t do it … It’s not a good thing to do at all and it may cost your family or yourself a very substantial amount of money.”
I can just hear Commissioner Nixon exasperatedly screaming "FERRIS!".
I don’t know exactly what happened at Delaney’s place that night. But in keeping from the genre, we can guess a few things. There was a fat guy who took his shirt off, shouted "PARTY!" and downed a beer bong. A hot girl was on the verge of pashing a guy, but at the last minute, spewed all over him instead. There were nerds who weren’t supposed to be there, and somehow by the end of the night, one of them made it with a cheerleader. And naturally, the brand new sofa/vase/painting/sports car/entire suburb that Corey’s parents specifically told him to look after was smashed at the climax of the party.
Look, we all know that binge drinking is a problem, and can be genuinely dangerous, and I don’t want to take away from that in the unlikely event that any impressionable teenager reads this blog and thinks I’m giving them the green light to trash their hood. I just think that, like the dean of any American college campus featured in an ’80s comedy, we all need to lighten up. I’m sure Corey won’t do it again. At least until the sequel, Corey Goes To Schoolies. And believe me – if I was, let’s say, a producer at MTV, I’d be sending along a camera crew. Naturally, I don’t condone teenage drinking – in fact, my teenage years were almost entirely free of both alcohol and fun. But, as the creative geniuses behind Weird Science know all too well, they sure can be amusing.

Note – this blog is now closed for comments. Sorry we had to take down the previous ones, thanks to all those who commented.

Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: