Let’s get this election over with. It’s already gone on for about a week too long, and instead of being obliged to exhaustively rebut the myth that Labor’s losing the two-party preferred vote, Antony Green needs a holiday. The only counting the ABC’s election analyst should be doing is of the olives in his poolside martini.
As we wait for somebody, anybody, to form a government, Australia is riven by uncertainty. Canberra is on tenterhooks, stock markets are jittery, and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be making fun of anymore.
After Yes We Canberra! concluded on its pre-election episode on Wednesday with a song which suggested that every single candidate in this election was f**ked, some have accused The Chaser of negativity. While this is, of course, outrageous, I thought I’d attempt to redress the balance by provide a few good reasons to vote for each of our major parties.
Why, pray tell, is there a bipartisan consensus against same-sex marriage? A Galaxy poll last year found that 60% were in favour of it – more than enough to legalise something socially progressive, since when it finally happens, and gay marriages are proven to have absolutely no impact on anyone else’s except making functions venues slightly harder to book, even more people will come on board.
It was very considerate, I thought, of Julia Gillard to time her election to coincide with the launch of my book about a student election. And given its theme of political ruthlessness, it was even more considerate of her to depose the elected Prime Minister in a palace coup a mere month before its release date. There’s nothing like a bit of cross-promotion to really give your product a boost. Sales of Comrades should receive a substantial boost, I reckon, and also of knives.
Although John Howard strode off the Australian political stage in November 2007, we are still reaping the benefits of his legacy today. Thanks to John Howard, Peter Costello will never be Prime Minister. Thanks to John Howard, One Nation was destroyed as a political force, because the Coalition assimilated its major policies. And thanks to John Howard, I still can’t look at a Wallabies tracksuit without sniggering.
By this point in most election campaigns, a dominant narrative has generally emerged, and it’s become reasonably clear who’s going to win. In 2007, it wasn’t hard to see that the electorate was in the process of falling out of love with John Howard after WorkChoices, and deciding to take a chance on the younger, dorkier Queenslander.
Julia Gillard has some news, and it will do your head in. The woman we’ve seen reciting talking points, using the phrase “moving forward” approximately twice per breath and advocating that absurd Citizen’s Assembly that promises to be even less useful than the 2020 Summit is not the real Julia Gillard.
As a rule, I find elections exciting. Yes, I know this makes me seem terribly geeky, but hey – Antony Green is a cult hero. At least I hope he is, because otherwise the shrine in the corner of my lounge room might seem a little freaky.
But this election has been like watching paint dry, if the paint had been advised by head office to defer drying until 2013 for fear of frightening Western Sydney. The debate last Sunday was so dull and formulaic that I was left hoping Tony Abbott would repeat his move from his 2007 Press Club contest with Nicola Roxon, and just start randomly swearing.
